I missed the sleigh, and now I have to walk to the north pole(Chicago is so two years ago)

God Damnit, I love it up here. To the people on facebook who are wondering how I am typing this and not responding to their messages, the internet is screwed up here and Apparently I can only get on blogger. I love you guys.(you know who you are) Anyways, Chicago is the shit. When I walked through the door I was welcomed by the sounds of arguing about cooking in the kitchen and I knew I was home. I am typing without using of my middle finger because the sewing machine tried to chop it off using ninja tatics. Kinda sad about that. But nevertheless. I am great. Gosh, I wish I could talk to you guys. but I don't have a cell and Honestly I left all of you guys's phone numbers back at home. I am missing brothers 2.0 and I will wanted to get in on some nerdfighting action. Speaking of which I hoped you like those videos. I know that it's not really the best idea to talk directly to people I know via this blogg but it's my only means of communication. If I can't send anything else. Just know that I love you and I miss you and expect hugs from me when I get back, all of you. So yeah that about it. God I hope this gets sent. cause jeez that would be really bad.The cold is awesome up here. It's where I need to be right now. I hope you guys had a great holiday and I hope you got all you wanted (and congrats on getting what you asked for you know who) Huggles.

There's a light on in Chicago, and I know I should be home, and all the colors of the street signs, they remind me of a pick-up truck out in front of your neighbors house.

Life is a test and I get bad marks

Well hello out there. Hope you had an orgasm today. Because as we all know today is Global Orgasm for Peace Day durh!

http://www.global-o.org/

So right now it's storming outside my window. I am trying to resist the urge to dance outside barefoot because I have to leave for Chicago Monday. And I know from experience, riding in a car with a stuffy nose and the chills isn't that fun. I have been jamming out to Brand New, mostly all day. And about those dishes... I FINALLY WASHED THEM!! pretty awesome right? And I moped the floor, caulked some tile, and washed towels all at the same time. I am Queen.:P I am still bored though. Nobody I really want to talk to is online right now,and I can't drive so that takes the fire out of some plans. But I am used to it by now. I think I am just gonna have some me time with my sewing machine and the computer. Sounds like a party. I have recently decided that I am going to regress in terms of slang vocab, and I am now somewhere in the 1970's to mid nineties. I don't really know because the nineties, was a blatant attempt to recapture the good ole sexy days, of the late sixties and seventies. So yeah.Shortcut keys oh where for art thou? (Shakespeare is soo pissed off at how commonplace,dumbed down, and taken for granted his once innovative vocabulary has become) If anybody out there really reads this feel free to suggest anything for me to do in order to stop wasting my time. Because I am so good at it. It has stopped raining and I am kinda wishing I had played.eh. Still rocking out I am, and I am wondering. Maybe I need to invite some friends out on a play date. I don't know how that would sound though.

"Hey mom, can I invite some friends to the park?"

"Umm. no, for what?"

"I just want to play outside"

"You can do that in your backyard"

"It's not the same"

"Umm, let me check, there's grass, trees and birds"

"Swings, mom, you forgot the swings. We don't have those."

"And your point is?.."

Anyways yeah that is pretty much how that one would have gone. Actually I think she would have let me go, but I don't know how many days of planning ahead of time it would taken. And now it's raining again.I think this blog is nearing it's ending point. I have nothing else to say. Or at least nothing worth saying at the risk of saying too much.

Take me, take me back to your bed.I love you so much that it hurts my head.I don't mind you under my skin.I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in.Well you're my favorite bird and when you sing.I really do wish that you'd wear my ring.No matter what they say, I am still the king.Now the storm is coming, the storm is coming in.

Special Brownies

I know right! Two blog posts in one day. Lucky you. I've just made brownies, and boy, are they...aren't they just. Okay they suck. I mean they have good parts, but the rest tastes like salmon. I have to wash the dishes still (something I am really not looking forward to) and, AND I have to clean up my room. GAH!. I am still kinda upset about the brownies, though. it all messed up because of the baking soda and or the cocoa, both of which were too close to the stove while someone was cooking salmon. So now they taste like fish. *sigh* but that's what I get for trying something new. Just like that time at the olive garden. I tried the ziti al forno, and it just screwed me over. The onions were WAY too overpowering and it made my head hurt, so I just settled on digging on my momma's tour of Italy (which was the bomb diggidy) so yeah. This is all I have done in the past three hours. Pretty exciting right? Yeah I thought so too.

Don't ever, ever, ever, use salmon flavoured baking soda and or chocolate powder,for your brownies of life.(ha! see what I did there, I made crap turn into a reference to life, How awesomeness is I)

If you can bear to hear the truth that you've just spoken, twisted up by knaves to make a trap for fools

Well hello out there in the world of sexual frustration. It is currently 11:51 pm and I have a renewed sense of humor. hahaha. Anyways. I feel pretty good. My room still is unclean, dishes need to be washed but I am a hippy what do I care?(and to all the actual hippies out there, sorry for offending you guys, but I doubt you care that much to complain, but I am all up for hanging out)At this point I've forgotten what the hell I was about to talk about, because I had to give the computer up for a moment. So it is currently at this moment 9:04 AM. How does that happen? Oh wait I think I remember.
My grandpa. In 1999 he had a stroke. He's okay now, but as you know strokes disrupt the nervous system of your body and your brain and all those jazzy things.When I was younger I didn't notice the effect it had on him, but now I get worried, because I look into his eyes and I realize that he forgets more often then he should. and him putting up the Christmas lights is bittersweet because I wonder how long will he be able to do it. And riding in the car with him is kinda scary, I mean he swerves sometimes. I am pretty sure he has night terrors, and just all these things.I can't do anything, but help him and ask about his childhood and learn from him, but I wish I could do more.Okay that's enough, I need to avoid getting all sappy and losing all of the possible conversation topics.

I am trying to figure out what other things could I ramble on about in order to divert my brain away from this topic. Well last night while I was getting into a car, A gunshot blasted across the street. sounds fun right? I don't know what those kids were doing, I mean there was nothing to shoot at last night. I know because I was out there. I just don't know what is going on. I was at a gas station right before it got robbed, and blah blah. The world can get sucky by itself, why do we have to make it worse? You can at least do something to better yourself which will in turn start the long train o self improvement, which may just lead to the world getting better, you never know. I need to get more cds. My brain is buzzing and music is my alcohol. come on! Get funky, do happy dances, just don't shoot your eye out, or anybody else's for that matter. And now I shall leave you with a poem written by Rudyard Kipling.Awesome guy he was.It's spaced wrong, but I am pretty sure you can still read it.

If you can keep your head when all about youAre losing theirs and blaming it on you,If you can trust yourself when all men doubt youBut make allowance for their doubting too,If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,Or being hated, don't give way to hating,And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;If you can meet with Triumph and DisasterAnd treat those two impostors just the same;If you can bear to hear the truth you've spokenTwisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winningsAnd risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,And lose, and start again at your beginningsAnd never breath a word about your loss;If you can force your heart and nerve and sinewTo serve your turn long after they are gone,And so hold on when there is nothing in youExcept the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;If all men count with you, but none too much,If you can fill the unforgiving minuteWith sixty seconds' worth of distance run,Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son! --Rudyard Kipling 1997-2001 Adam Preset. All rights reserved.

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die,But I’m a little bit scared of what comes after.

before you put my body in the cold ground,

take some time and warm it with your hands,

before its coming to an end.

It seems as though I am the only one up right now. And usually that's the time I have the best ideas. They don't usually get written down though because most of the time I am on the verge of sleep. I am kinda tired but not really.Tomorrow is the last day of en colegio, and I am glad about it. I need this break to help me retain my sanity(or what's left of it)
I don't really think this blog will be that insightful, or wise. I think I will settle on human tonight. It's weird because I am listening to The Devil and God are raging inside of me(Brand New) and all of a sudden I hear rain. Cool huh? Sometimes it happens like that.It was brief.
I find that most of the time I am only really able to speak or write in simple sentences and the more complicated or better yet, educated I try to make things seem the more confused I end up being in the end. I am not a good explainer, this I understand, but I think I possess an ability to translate things by my actions and my facial expressions. Now hold on because this one might take a minute. Some people are able to convey what they want through words, which is great but people lie, and they tend to over complicate things that are so easy with their brain(I know this because I have done it before) But I've noticed that people's responses go beyond that. I mean of course it's obvious when you ask someone are they okay and they say they are fine but you can tell they aren't but It's how some people lose the sparkle in their eyes when they talk about certain things and how they light up when they talk about others, or how they have a friend that they really wish they were able to get rid of, but they don't because they feel sorry for them. And many other things. People are shady, and they hide things in order to prevent hurt, whether it be towards themselves or someone else. which may seem like a good intention, but it almost always does more harm than good. I understand that some people aren't able to tell the truth boldly or they shouldn't because their personality lacks the compassion,bravery,and love it takes to tell the truth. But those whose personalities do contain the amount of humanity it takes shouldn't hide how they feel, because most of the time it could better someones perspective.And maybe even the world. (Okay I got off subject) But I communicate through my facial expressions, my body language and my energy, and only the people who I am really close with, or connect to understand it. I could be having a really hard time, and I try my best to talk my way out of it, but it doesn't work. I have a really bad poker face, and I am a really bad liar.(unless, I come up with a real good story)
One of these days I will be able to stop talking about how bad of a verbal communicator I am, but for some reason, I guess I think that is something that people have to understand. When I stutter it's not out of lack of things to say, it's the lack of HOW to say it. I have so many words to choose from and it becomes hard to pick, so I just end of with the simplest forms there are. Just because I put the commas in the wrong places and spell things wrong does not mean I am uneducated, it just means that I had too much on my mind at that moment, too much to get out, And the feelings I feel aren't concerned about grammatical errors, it just wants to get out. That's all I can think now. My mind is empty (except for chemistry and Spanish) Maybe there will me more later, I don't know. It all depends on how fucked up the world turns out to be at the end of this revolution.(which is a day for all you science-ly challenged)

I could never miss it

I gonna drink drink drink till I can't stay awake anymore.

Whoa yo. I can't believe it. I share a birthday with Fidel Castro. And also, it's the day the Mayan calender starts. Buddhist monks set fire to 21 Nichiren temples throughout Kyoto in the Tenbun Hokke Disturbance. (Traditional Japanese date: July 27, 1536). Anyways, I was watching boondocks and that was mentioned and I had to say something about it.

In other news, I am very tired of people who depend on other people to define who they are, like the girls who stay in the relationship even though the guy uses her for his benefit, and the friend who stays friend with their best friend from fourth grade because they are afraid they won't make new ones. Just felt like getting that out there.
Also I feel like I am in a rut of sorts. Maybe I just need to go away for a while and get inspired by the city, but right now I am getting kinda bored with things. Like school and my house. I think I am just at a point where I need to be rejuvenated. It happens. This blog is probably gonna take a minute because my brain is acting like a broken toilet. I have to wait for the bowl to get full again before I flush but there's a leak somewhere and I can't find it. I hope Chicago has the parts I need. I should be studying for a lot of things, but honestly, studying doesn't really help me at times like these. I need to party.Running out of Big Ideas.(Or maybe I just have too many and I don't know where to start.) Nevertheless, I am off to go wallow in a puddle of sleepiness.
Do good out there people.

I have no idea what I am talking about.I am trapped in this body and can't get out.

I am trying to type this as fast as I can so I won't forget what it is that I have to say. Too late, I forgot all the right words, and now this blog will take me thirty more minutes to write than it should. I have realized that in order to log in I always type in my blog URL and never blogspot.com which seems as if it's the logical thing to do. I am about to write about my relationship with a person, which I have done many times before, somewhat in a corny manner, but This time I think there will be less of trivial and transient tone, in comparision to the others (which were mostly about boys, and things, but this is about a friend.)And also the name of song lyrics that I have written as the blog title is BodySnatchers what I am listening to now, and I find the lyrics fitting for the transition stage that I am in or however that works and blahblahblah. I am going to post the lyrics at the bottom blablah.


Anyways. I love this girl. I must say she is one of the better things that have happened to me, the first thing being alive.It's weird to know that when you felt the loneliest you could feel, somebody else felt the exact same way. I find that utterly amazing, but it's even more unbelievable, when then person who felt the exact way becomes your best friend. It's like GOD decided to give you a break and actually allow somebody to break down your walls and understand you. The words that she says reminds of the words I wrote in notebooks years ago only to throw them away because I thought they represented things that shouldn't ever be thought. And maybe I should have talked to her last year instead of digging a hole for myself (which I got out of thank you very much) But I wish I knew she was one of the people who understood me along time ago and then maybe it wouldn't have taken this long to realize how wrong I was, and how sweet life could be. I am probably getting sappy but oh well it happens. And I want this person to know, that she has done something right. She has given the most amount of unconditional love I have ever seen a person give, and that is all anybody really wants. And all I could ask from her is to be herself (whatever she finds that to be) And whenever I am feeling down, her giggle is the best medicine in the world, and she understands my nonsense, which a task not even my mother has mastered. She loves me for how I am today, and I her. Hot damn, I wrote like a whole page about her.And that's it. I hope you have enjoyed Hope's Love corner, tune in next time for when I take a romantic take on Nature. Love you guys. I think there is nothing else. I have semester exams which are kicking my ass, and my ankle is swollen. I hope everything is alright with you guys. Have fun and stay safe (and hopefully have some save fun.)

I do not.Understand.What it is.I've done wrong.Full of holes.Check for pulse.Blink your eyes.Once for yes.Two for no.I have no idea what I am talking about.I am trapped in this body and can't get out.
You killed the sound. removed backbone .A pale imitation. With the edges.Sawn off
I have no idea what you are talking about.Your mouth moves only with someone's hand up your ass.Has the light gone out for you?Because the light's gone for me.It is the 21st century. It is the 21st century. It can follow you like a dog. It brought me to my knees.They got a skin and they put me in. They got a skin and they put me in. All the lines wrapped around my face. All the lines wrapped around my face. And for anyone else to see.And for anyone else to see.I'm a lie
I've seen it comingI've seen it comingI've seen it comingI've seen it coming

The Receiving End of Sirens

HOLYSHITTTTTT!!! okay sorry just had to get that out. I started sewing a teddy bear around 11pm and I didn't stop until my mom woke up around six. So I'm thinking grr.. So at this point I am trying to go to sleep to avoid church, right? Wrong. Way fucking wrong. I hear my mom calling me to get up, I think she is just bugging me to get ready for church, and I hear her talking on the phone, I get up and look out the window, the fucking house fucking behind us is on fucking fire. Now I am not angry at this point (although my profanity may have led you to believe that)But I am really worried because all we have is grass and trees in my backyard. I get out of the house. It takes the fireman like ten minutes to get to my house and we live right down the freaking street from the station. I am not even going to try to explain how I felt when I saw them coming the wrong way. It took them a good 15mins just to start to put out the fire.And the fire hydrant is on my corner!! (Great right?) Anyways, long story short, they put it out(finally) and we get on with our lives(mom went to church) But After the initial shock of having my house almost burn down, I started to worry about the birds and squirrels, because it was their home that ended up getting hurt (the house behind us had recently been evacuated) I mean I am thankful that legendary Prometheus gave us fire, but I can understand why Zeus was mad (even if he overreacted and pulled total jackass moves in the end). Even though fire can mean intelligence,and determination it also means destruction. The introduction of fire into the life of man began the split between good and bad. Fire didn't burn down houses until people thought they needed them, and the more stuff the humans gained (materialistic things, technology,gas, intelligence)more types of fuel became available for the fire. I wish I was amish. They work together when things go wrong, but other groups of people who seemingly have developed more, or maybe just have more, can't understand how to love unconditionally, and stop worrying about material goods. I won't miss it when it's gone, but for a split second, I almost got upset about losing my things. I can't believe it. I am very disappointed at how selfish my heart has become. Some of it's my fault and the rest is a little bit of the people who don't show compassion on a daily basis. I didn't hear the birds chirp this morning, and I am a little saddened. I think this is all I am gonna write tonight. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow, I really kinda just want to sleep and get my thoughts together, but I doubt my mom is gonna let that happen. We'll see, until then please give a little bit of yourself to different people each day, even if they don't give you a piece back. Don't be scared about it, it's like a boomerang, or hair, it comes back.

The Science of Sleep

Well I am tired. I have like three papers to write (mainly due to my own procrastination) But I think I can do it. What I am about to post is something I just finished writing for class read it and tell me what you think. I must warn you that it is highly metaphorical and off the top of my head so some parts don't make sense, but it's what I felt. And this is the poem you wanted me to write. (you know who you are)

I died when I was born. Past lives ending a new one beginning.
I was the Nazis, I was the Jews.
I was the Europeans, The Native Americans.
The Conqueror, the conquered.
I am the conquest.
Painted brown on a white canvas, colored with the mud and the sun from God's crayon box.
I am the Earth.
Filled with all the bodies of water in the World, I am the Red Sea.
I am the cliche', the new idea.
Born again to change the world.
I am the Hope.
The trees, the animals, they are a part of me and I them.
I am the errors, the mistakes. I am the correctional fluid.
Fifteen years is a long time to live in an everlasting paradox.
Or maybe..
It's the beginning of the end. The last page with a cliffhanger a sequel to come.
Working hard to work hard.
Stay afloat.
Stay on top
Stay in flight.
Stay alive.
Get to where I want to go, what I want to be.
Use my childhood dreams to guide me there.
Always close but never close enough.
A day late, a dollar short.
Running out of time,
Making it up.
Everything.
Trying harder, climbing up.
Everything.
Reach the peak, ring the bell.
I made it.
But now i have to get back where I started.

Frozen Feet

I had tried to write a blog like a couple of weeks ago and due to a series of Unfortunate events, it got deleted. My first thought was,"Well shit, just fuck me over why don't you? dammit that was dirty you little motherf**ker."But after that brief moment of relapse I came to my senses and decided that maybe I just needed to see how I felt and move on, and that what I felt although important didn't really need to be shared. So I guess some things happen for reasons.I am freezing. My mom has on the "heat" but it's really more like air conditioner with that great new burnt food smell. It kinda sucks but my covers are keeping me company. I have been keeping a tally of all the cds of mine that induce sleep and so far I have found Deathcab, Bright Eyes,Radiohead and the Shins to be the best. Mainly Bright Eyes though, Like I put on that cd (or record as I like to call em) and a second after my head has hit the pillow I am out. It could possibly be from lack of sleep though so I guess it's not that amazing. I am really sleep deprived but I don't do homework to go to sleep so I don't see why. Maybe I am sick, or something.A few years ago when I would get this tired, I would always fantasize about being pregnant because I was tired all the time and that was the only thing that made sense. It was illogical of course, but I figured if Mary did it why couldn't I, and then all these other weird fantasies ensued and I realized that I was just insane. So go me for not paying attention in class and thinking all this up. Second term sucks ball face. I guess it's because I am so close to getting out I don't care, and it gets worse every year because time gets short and you give up. Third term will be the shit though. I hope and I think I am going to spend winter break hibernating. Maybe I am a bear. A sexy bear,but a bear nonetheless. That theory works more the pregnant one. So yeah I guess that's it. Getting sleepy and I still have HW to do , so I am out. Have fun peoples.

"She's my Rushmore max!"
-"I know, she was mine too."

I see you, You see Me

I hope to God I am not leading you on, because if I am I am dragging myself along with you.

Hey there guys how ya doing? I keep typing as if one day somebody is gonna read this. (I know two people do which is great:) but I write this like 200 are reading this, and I don't know, maybe there are 200 people reading this, but they sure are quiet about it. So This week is thanksgiving awesomeness. I plan on not doing anything. I am saving my home work for the weekend, right now I have greater business to attend to like life. As you will probably notice this blog entry will not be as long as the others, and that's because I have lost some of my Angst. Now before you start going, "Oh no! whatever will I do with out my daily dosage of angst?" Let me tell you why it has gone
1) I am not in school
2) I have been "sharing my feelings with people...person
3) I have developed a spiffy numbering habit
Besides that, I have rediscovered a band that I had forgotten to like. They are named The Magic Numbers. Awesomeness. I am loving their songs, Love Me Like you and And This Is A song. Greatness.
So these are the reasons I am beaming at this moment. (shush, don't tell anybody) And Also the sun is shining through my room and making it a illuminated, so I guess it is happy with me. And I am always glad when that happens.

Love ya much.

Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you.

Yes I am back. and I am here to deter and some of the rumors that have been going around
1. No I am not dead. I may be tired and mopey but I am not dead
2. I have not dropped out of school, even though I really want to, my unspoken obligation to make my mom proud of me forces me to stay in.
3. No I do not wear other people clothes. Okay that's kind of a lie but, When I wear other people's clothes I make them my own, so there. and last but not least
4. Despite what your mom told you, I love you very much.

so on to the show. I am writing this blog as a brief update maybe. I guess. it might be a little girly so hold on.I have spent the last week making stuff and they are awesome. I have being feeling awesome despite some bad grades and sleepiness. I plan on making more stuff in the near future.
I told somebody more about myself than anyone (other than the people I love the most) knows. So I guess that makes them apart of the love club too. I am planning on looking at a meteor shower thing tonight. so I'll probably say how that goes later. I have been looking at the stars, and I must say they are beautiful. But I may be biased seeing as though those stars make up the sign of Leo (or at least I think they do) and I am one. But they are a shade of blue that is impossible to reach without tremendous effort. Illuminated. Okay well.
For those who were looking for my metaphors and analogies this time around. Sorry, I think sometimes words don't have to be that complicated to make sense.
I love you all.

Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are.I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart.Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Oh let's go back to the start:)

How could you forget your yellow bird?

Okay first an explanation.In case you don't know my blog titles are music lyrics, I do this because most of the time they are stuck in my head and I don't know why and then I get home and see something that disturbs me or moves me and most of the time the song fits. Kinda like a warning in a way. Also I have a hard time expressing how I feel and sometimes a music lyric just does it.Anyways back to the point...

I was on AOL looking for something and then I read about this kid who shot nine people at his school. The reason I don't really know but, it has been inferred that it was some kind of revolutionary action. But it pained me to see that we are moving backwards. I mean the school shootings are going up (or maybe we are just now noticing) I feel like I am back in the nineties when Columbine happened. Everyone was afraid but they didn't really do anything about it. Yeah sure they came out with all these clubs and hotlines, but they didn't change. They didn't make anything better. Having read Fight Club (okay you are just going to have to deal with me referring to that book a lot for at least the next month) I can understand how violence is really just a cry for change. I am not saying it is right or just. But I am saying I can understand why the kid who turns on his tv and sees the same shit that happened twenty years ago happening while he is alive feels an urge to break something. It is maddening to look around and see the potential for change and nothing happening to make it kinetic. Pretty soon we are going to run out of potential and be left in the dark.

I really hope that We can prove the Mayans wrong

I am sick of going in retrograde motion. It's hard to swim foward when the current's against you. I know you aren't supposed to fight it, but it's pushing towards a cliff with jagged rocks at the bottom and I don't wanna die that way. I am so close to the tree branch that I can use to pull myself up, but there is too much against me. I am sick of waiting. I am sick of talking about what I am sick of. When will I actually get off my ass and do something? I don't know but it needs to be soon. I am graduating in the year of 2010. Exactly in the middle. Two years after a new president is elected. Two years before the world ends. Can't wait for the ending of this book. I guess in the meantime all I can do is love the people I am around, try to influence as many people as I can and change minds. I always wondered if I was going to die young.
The fear of dying is my greatest motivation, When I was little I used to worry about my grandparents dying, Of course because they were old. When my cousin died at the age of seventeen, I realized that anybody not just old people die. Even if they don't deserve it. So if that is true it could happen to me. So why not do what I love while I have the time to do it?

She said this one will bring you love, I don't know if it's true but I keep it for good luck.

We Are Nowhere and It's Now

I've been sleeping so strange at night, side effects they don't advertise.

I am getting scared. I have noticed that alot of creative people at my school, like me, an artist, and a musician I know, have fallen into a academic funk. I keep dreaming that one day it'll be like one of those weird "Heroes" moments where we will all be commissioned to do something that's going to change the world. I don't know what it is, but I know it's going to be big. And I am afraid. Having a feeling and not knowing if what you are feeling will happen, or if it's justified or not gives you that same kind of anticipation that lives in your stomach right before you jump off that ledge, or just before the roller coaster begins, or just before you have sex with the one you love.You don't know what's going to happen next, but you are certain of three things:
1: You are so scared right now
2:You hands are shaking so much right now
3: This might just be the most fun you will ever have in your life.
Well this is how I feel. I feel it in my gut. I look at these people, my friends, the ones who think different than everybody else, and may just contain the most original thought I have ever known, flunking out of English, or at least pulling a low D. I know that we all can pull our grades up,( I mean it's only midterm) but it's just the fact that we aren't doing our work and wasting time daydreaming, that excites me and frightens me. I can't wait to see what comes of it...

So I'm up at dawn puttting on my shoes. I just want to make a clean escape.I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to...

Poison Oak

Alright. I was holding my baby cousin and ironically listening to this song by bright eyes (the title of this blog entry) and for the 20th time in my life I wondered what happened. What happened to all of us. When we were kids we were candid, we wore our hearts on our sleeves countless times. Our flaws weren't flaws they were just a part of who we were.We cried when we hurt instead of trying to conceal the pain.When we where younger we insisted on doing things like, digging up worms and holding them in our hands, or running outside for no reason, or trying to catch a butterfly. I don't get it. I know that this sort of blog is cliche' and tired, but life is cyclical. So there. I've said that I have missed these days many times before, but the more I talk about it, the more I realize I was happier then. Most of us were.And now we can't even remember most of the things we did when we younger.*sigh* Enough reminiscing for now.The government is fucked up and the children are crying and they don't know why (we don't know why either).

There is one little girl with big brown eyes and brown hair wearing glasses that shrink her eyes sitting under a tree twirling a leaf, humming a song and talking to the birds. Her parents don't get it, but they let her be herself. When she gets older, she learns Santa isn't real, The world will be destroyed within the next two years, and Her dog just died. But she sits downs under the same tree holding a leaf,but this time she doesn't wear her glasses and now she has a friend.He has blond hair and blue eyes.And They are both humming the same song as the world crumbles around them.

They go wild...

Idioteque

I don't know why I haven't looked up this song before now. Because of this song, along with companion videos based around 9/11 and other things of that nature, I have come to appreciate the Genius of Thom Yorke. Maybe his lazy eye has something to do with it. I don't know but Radiohead and their lyrics and songs are incredible.The lyrics to Idioteque are so thought provoking and unsettling. I mean it is astonishing to me. That whole album almost (Kid A) is some thing to bring you back to reality. I wish everybody would find their KID A and wake up or at least their Laurie Anderson "O Superman". Come to think of it both of them use electronic devices to show the alienation of people from each other, reality and issues. Electronic means more than I ever thought it could. I hope there will be more people that will show us that things stop functioning when we let anything but the organic or natural take over, or when we try to create everything and end up destroying the balance.

We're not scaremongering, This is really happening... Happening.
We're not scaremongering, This is really happening.. Happening.
Mobiles quirking Mobiles chirping
Take the money and run Take the money and run Take the money

100 days, 100 nights

That is the title of an awesome song by Sharon Jones and the Dap kings. It sounds old, but it really recent and I love it. My grandparents listened to this stuff and I am glad I can get into it. But that's not why I am writing. Despite all the happiness I have recently been blessed with, it saddens me to see that there is still hatred in the world. Now you might be saying no duh the Jena 6 proved that. Well I know, but every time I hear or see things that promote anything but love and self or social improvement I get sad.I was watching this band's video on Youtube and instead of celebrating how wonderful her voice was, there had to be one person that had to ruin the experience for everyone. Granted this person is entitled to their opinion, but when that opinion is so hurtful and lacks the willingness to change, a problem is formed. But besides that one piece of sorrow I saw bits of light. People of different races ( I suppose, the comments don't really say whose black or white)Coming together trying to make the good outweigh the bad and to celebrate a wonderful musician. So that's most of it.

I just borrowed the recent Kanye West album from a friend of mine and I have to give him(Kayne) credit. Although I don't appreciate the fact that he mostly samples and that he is an arrogant person. I have to say he is intelligent and his sampling exposes music to people who otherwise wouldn't find it, so good Job Kanye.

Along the lines of the Kanye West album.. On the song I Wonder there is a sample of A song called My Song by Labi Siffre. He is an incredible lyricist and his voice is very cool. I hadn't heard of him till now, but I found out that he is responsible for the song called, " It must be love" I thought that was pretty cool. So I will end this blog with the lyrics of Labi Siffre song called my song.

This is my song
and no one can take it away
It's been so long, but now you're here,
here to stay
And I wonder if you know what it means
to find your dreams come true
This is my song
and no one can make it a lie
It's been so long since someone
could make me cry
And I wonder if you know what it mean
sto laugh as tears go by
I may not always sing in tune
and sometimes you don't hear me
but you don't have to be near me
to know that I'm singing
This is my song
and nothing can make it die
It's been so long and it's stronger
I know why
And I wonder if you really, really know
That as long as I live I will sing my song for you

I'll try hard not to give in,Rid my head of this pretense,Allow myself no mock defense,As I step into the night

Well I was originally going to make the title " What If" after a song by Coldplay. It fits but it was kind of blah.Look up the lyrics, It's still fits. Both of them fit but in a different way. And I like this one better. Also, two blog posts within 18 hours, I know it's too good to be true.

But I was thinking as humans we allow our thoughts and preconceived notions keep us from doing something. Admitting things. Living. We let the " What Ifs" take away our urge to just dive in. (Time for a sob story part but it's still important) But ever since the crap that happened last year. I have realized that whatever I do I need to put my heart into it ( maybe I need to apply this to school work) And I need to try things that normally scare me. And since I have made that decision I have climbed things I wouldn't have ever climbed(Thanks Amelia) I have said things I normally wouldn't have said. ( some of which may have not been good, but I am learning from my mistakes) Being Nervous is normal but don't let it take away your ambition. And if you are nervous just be truthful about it. Admit it. You will feel so much better. I promise. Usually I would be like," I am so scared," and I wouldn't ever tell anybody because I didn't want to seem like a wimp. But I found out that being "tuff" is the worst thing you can be. When you try to be tough and "hard" you lose a part of you that is able to give your heart to everything, because that part is so busy trying not to be seen. Let it all hang out, no qualms about it.
Now if you aren't ready to let go of you fears right now, that is okay. I am not trying to condemn the people who are afraid and have second thoughts about things, because I have those moments, I am just saying you can't stay scared forever. More like encouragement.
Remember, step into the night...

Lua Cheia

It's Portuguese for the one thing that makes me happy at any time of life be it good or bad( I mean whether the time be good or bad.).You are gonna have to read to the end of this blog to figure out what it is.

I have met a person that..It's hard to explain I guess, mainly because I don't even know. But since I have met this person things have gotten better, or at least creatively better. I guess you could say that they are my muse. Maybe, it could just be coincidence. But I am finishing projects that would normally take me a year, and My mind is less cluttered.( I am still not doing homework though, personal choice.) It may not be solely because of this person, but it is partially. I haven't met anybody like this in while. Especially one who is like a mix of my friends and myself. Never. I have only encountered people of this kind (I am trying not to be gender specific) that are my polar opposites and don't understand most of what I am saying. They remind me of myself, but more so the person I strive to be. Their vibe is really good and when I talk to them they listen (I think I could stand to listen more) But they are very open minded. and sure my friends are open minded, but not in this way. (or at least not that I know of) It's hard to say. I am at a loss of words. I doubt I have this effect on them but they have it on me. Even though we are similar people we still have our differences and some of those differences intimidate me a little, but I think it will be okay.Most of the intimidation comes from me being afraid of something different, so once I get over my paranoia things will look up. Not that they aren't. This person has the potential to be a good something (I don't know what they are yet) But whatever it is I think it will be good for me. I hope.

So now the answer. Cheia Lua or Lua Cheia(I don't know which way it goes) means full moon. Since I was little I guess I have had an urge to go outside. I would walk barefoot outside and I would play al ot. It was a happy time. And as I got older I stop walking barefoot and going outside. But during the past weeks (and over the summer) I have played in the cold, carefree. I have played in the rain. I have loved life. But there was one thing that I recently starting doing that I hadn't done until I had to for a project in 5th grade. I looked up. At night. in fifth grade I had to look at the moon phases, and I did that for about a semester, and ever since then I have looked up. And every time I see a full moon I feel something. I don't know what it is but just the color of the moon and the weather( I like looking at the moon during winter), makes me feel better than I did before. So yeah, that's the only thing that can make me happy no matter what. If you count out music. so yay

Lyrics I love: "lost and loaded
still the same 'ol decent lazy eye
straight through your gaze
that's why i said i relate
i said we relate
it's so fun to relate
it's the room the sun and the sky
it's the room the sun and the sky
i've been waiting
i've been waiting for this moment...

Remember: It is always worth the wait.

When I lived alone, Is there a ghost in my house?

My new obsession is that song. Maybe because it repeats the same thing over and over again, or maybe because the video involves a girl taking pillows from people and a massive pillow fight. Nevertheless it makes me happy and calm. So question. Is it so wrong to become obsessive?I don't mean to the point you can't live without whatever it may be, just till the point that you feel comfortable. Is it wrong to reread a message five times, just because it makes you smile, or listen to a song three times cause it does the same? Or do both of those things together, because they make you dance? I think not. I have done both of those things today and I feel great.(asides from the fact that I took time away from homework to do those things....you know what screw homework) So yep that's right you heard hear first folks. I am happy. I also spent three hours making a skirt and a vest. Awesomeness. Theadbangers has changed my life. Now all I need is spray paint. I would type more, but it's kinda early in the morning and I got to get ready for school. Today should be a good one. Especially since it's cold outside. This could be the year...fingers crossed...tongue-tied. So whoot. I feel like talking Spanish. *Happy dances for everyone* Remember..Everything is Everything.(that's stolen from Phoenix)Whoo!

So get used to the lonesome,Girl you must atone some, Don't leave me no phone number there...

Ahh I love the shins. So I am back. After a week and a half of procrastination, malnutrition, performance anxiety and playing in the rain. I am back. Finally. Still sleepy but I am back. Nobody reads this I know but man is it fun to write as if people actually did. I don't really have anything to say. No complaints, except I haven't done my homework in a week. But I think I can pull a B off at the end of the term. In the world of theatre I feel awesomely accomplished. I am the only girl who is willing to get dirty and doesn't it feel good? Yes, I am a nerd and damn proud. I have to say This is the first time I have taken a week off from school while school is still in session.I think everybody should do it at least once. It helps keep you from getting stressed out and insane. I guess I will use this weekend to do work and get ahead so I can coast through the upcoming week. I am so glad it's almost November. Maybe it's the change of weather that's making me happy. Nothing goes wrong for me in the fall. I love the cold air and the clear skies at night. They make me feel alive. I breathe in the cold and and I shiver and it lets me know that my central air unit is nothing compared to a natural chill. Man tries but he never gets it quite right. Did I mention I was a romantic. I mean in the actual 18th period sense. I love those guys. Ralph Waldo Emerson gets mad props for writing Self Assurance (I know it goes by another name, I can't think of it right now) Well I think that's it. It's way past my bedtime, and I need to be able to ward off sickness for at least another five days, I am off to sleep.

Remember..."Mercy's eyes are blue when she places them in front of you, nothing holds a roman candle to the solemn warmth you feel.There's no measuring of it as nothing else is love."

All I need

I am trying so hard. but things aren't really working out. I mean Life is good and all and I am probably the happiest that I have ever been in my life (well as far as I can remember) But still I find that something is missing. I hate that though. Why can't I be happy with what I have. It might not be everything but it's all I need. I feel like I am aimlessly wondering. Maybe I am so distraught because of that play thing ( jeez I annoy myself with my "actor problems") But it's like thinking about this character and how I should portray her has added water to the soft set concrete. I feel it churning, It's kinda slow moving but it's doing more than it did before. And even though part of me is confused by it. Another part doesn't want it to go away. I think it's because I tried so hard to push my ability to feel away, and now that I have finally decided to bring it close to me it won't let me go.(I don't want to either) It's not the depressing type of feeling either. It's like I should have cried about or felt this this years ago. And just crying once or twice isn't going to help me cope. I should have cried over this every night, when I felt it. but I didn't I balled it up and threw it in a box and locked it in my closet. I talked about it once and moved on and thought that I didn't need to talk about it anymore, that it was better than it was before. True, it was better than it was before, but I wasn't healed. I just put a band aid on it. And sometime this week I bumped into something really hard and it made it bleed again, but this time I think I am going to let is air dry so that everyone can see. I know I am still gonna have struggles with it but I know I can handle it.

Even if you are so preoccupied with the things in your life you now find important, still find time for the good things you used to do when you were little, No matter how silly they seem. Find time for it, because it helps you realize the person that you always wanted to be.Play like there is no time left, Laugh like there is no tomorrow. Love like you were dying.

The Devil and God are raging inside of Me

Lately I have been at a loss of words. I have been trying so hard to get my feelings or opinions across but they never fully get fully across. On a random note I picked the titled of this blog because Lately I have been listening to In rainbows and this song was the one that popped out at me. It struck a chord and now I just love it to death, this song along with Nude and Faust Arp. I love it. But I think music although it helps me to come to terms and understand what I am feeling it doesn't help me let other people understand my feelings. Because people interpret things different, I can't tell a person to go listen to this song to get the gist of what I am feeling. Usually me not being able to get my emotions across wouldn't bother me too much. But I am in a play where I have to emotionally break down, and I don't know how to do it and make it genuine. I ask people for advice and while talking to them I keep coming to the same realization, but there is a wall and I can't break it down. I know the pain she feels, and I know how that pain can change you as a person, because I have felt it before. But I don't know how to channel it out of myself and into her. I don't know how to make it exaggerated but not overdone or fake. And that fear is preventing me from giving all of myself to the character. And to make things worse my character has to go from a loving mother to a cold broken woman, to an irrational woman with a rational wish, back to a completely shattered woman. How do I accomplish that? I can feel the pain in my heart every time I think about it, but I can't get it out. It's too ugly. Maybe once I get over that aspect I could knock the ball out of the park. But Until then Love like you were dying. And never once regret the pain you have felt. It happened for a reason. Learn from the hurt and live life again. It's possible I know.

I know in these past blogs I have talked a lot about pain and stuff, and I myself am getting tried of it. But you have to understand that I have been holding a lot of this inside and I have decided to let it slowly drip out so I get it in the open.

I'm Happy just because, I found I am really noone

Why hello there, I guess as long as I can handle it I will blog everyday for the rest of this week. Ahh well. Once again I have found that life really knows how to take a chunk out of your ass. I don't really know how else to put it. My last blog was about feelings, and this relates to that in a completely arbitrary way.

Crushes anyone? Why do we get them, I just don't understand them. I mean the have the capability to just make you feel absolutely horrible about yourself. And I don't appreciate that. Maybe I am just like Joel from Eternal Sunshine "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" I don't know Joel I just don't know. I wish there was a way to explain it. But it's like you see this person and at that time you think they embody everything you want (or rather think you want) and you are hopelessly in love with them. But you don't act on it because you are scared of what might be the reality. Dammit it fear, why must you ruin other peoples lives?!! I don't like feeling like some nerdy little 13 year old girl in love with her math teacher. (Although...) back to the idea. My thoughts are so jumbled right now, I am so confused and so disgusted at myself don't even know. Is this how Ben Gibbard felt when he wrote Title and Registration? Because I am listening to it right now, and its underlying "what about me/left here in the dust" feeling is fitting the mood of my subconscious. Let me pick out the lyrics that do a better job of explaining myself than I do. Mind you they will be in sentence form so yeah.

The glove compartment isn't accurately named and everybody knows it.So i'm proposing a swift orderly change,cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm.And all i find are souvenirs from better times. Before the gleam of your taillights fading east to find yourself a better life.*sigh*

When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget,and that's how this idea was drilled into my head.Cause it's too important to stay the way it's been.There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade.And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all.And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide,lying awake at night.


And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide.Lying awake at night (up all night)When i'm lying awake at night.[sadness:(].

Wow Ben had some hard times. Okay I realize that this song is more or less about a relationship that failed, but isn't that about the same as unrequited love? I think the latter has the potential to be worse.*big breath* I am really trying hard not to let this crush(may even be crushes, [man I fall hard]) get the best of me, but somehow my brain never lets me. I need to draw or paint, something to get this spiral of confusion out of my head, maybe I should start working on that pile of clothes in the middle of my floor, or maybe AP homework (probably not going to happen)

on a footnote, I need to get rid of my addiction to facebook, I don't really understand why I stay on it so much, I have deleted it like seven times, but I keep coming back when I am bored, and all it's doing is adding fuel to the confusion fire. Really I am getting sick of it. I need to develop an awesome schedule so I am left with just enough time to get out of the house so I won't end up staying on the computer till 3 am. Bad habit nobody should develop. Alright my time is up. Be safe and remember love like you were dying.(but in my cause maybe I need to use discretion)

I'm counting it out, I'm counting it out, I'm working it out inside

I love life. I love how everything can completely confuse you and then when you aren't paying attention, it clicks and you understand everything you didn't get before for no reason. I love how people you meet for only a second can potentially have the biggest impact on your life. But what I love most of all is music. It's gotten me through hard times, rebuilt my spirit and made it better.

okay here's the random part, I don't like being confused, or hateful. I don't like having feelings and not being able to share them because of fear. I don't like having feelings and not knowing what they could mean. Now don't get me wrong feelings are all fine and dandy but boy do they make some things just a little harder to comprehend. I will get the whole feeling thing down eventually... I hope. But until then I think I am going to try to be a little more open. I know I am extroverted, but boy do I know how to keep things inside and make myself feel miserable.(and boy do I know how to say "boy do I know how") I am off to work on that awesome pile of dishes in the sink, while trying to keep all the little nasty human thoughts for corroding my mind. But in the meantime, Love like you were dying.

Oh and in case you were wondering, yes that is my new sign off. Okay if you don't like it you can go get loved.

Hope is gone....She is trying to find herself.

Okay not really, but I guess I really am trying to answer all of the "why/how/when" questions in life(well of my life) right now. I know that it's a little early for that, but I guess honestly every experience is a little early. Then I guess it wouldn't be called an experience (I hope that made sense in some way) Not really the why am I here? stuff but more like the how did I get here, not so much in a "how the universe came to be" way but my journey from generation to generation. What did my ancestors like? What did they do? I guess the questions is really more like "why am I the way I am?"

I feel a weird connection to a lot of races, and I just can't explain it. It's like I've been apart of these (the other culture's)ritual for years. And it's odd. I love Asian culture (not just the food aspect) but the whole thing, the clothing, the music, the technology. And I love the language and music of Latin American culture. I love African culture, the language, the togetherness (of most people). I love the connection that the Native Americans have with planet. I love it all. I know that they are all connected and that they influenced each other. But I just feel apart of it all. I want to submerse myself in it. Go everywhere I can and breathe the air of people of different cultures and backgrounds. Sure I can do that here in America but I want to experience it on a global level. I feel disconnected from a lot of things. So when I do something as simple as learning Spanish or save a bug, I some how feel closer to where I want to be. I know this is rambling, but if you haven't noticed already my alias is Rambler of the Mind. It happens. You get a whim to write and you let whatever you are feeling at the time or whatever pops into your head come out. Aw well, I think I am off to see if I can't figure out a way of meditating that I like and that is convenient. We'll see how that goes until then, love like you were dying.

on another tip, Jeff Buckley's Mojo Pin is the shiz, oh yeah Mew is hella awesome (I don't usually say hella but it was floating in my head)

I made alot of mistakes in my mind, in my mind, When I make up my mind I change it all the time I take it back, I take it back........Nevermind

Yay me for being able to able to reference three songs in one blog title (kinda)

I say that word too much. Nevermind I mean. I talk too fast my words get jumbled and when someone asks me what did I say or gives me a confused look I say nevermind. I shouldn't. why should I take back something I said. Right now saying Nevermind is a compulsive behaviour and I want to stop saying it, so for the next couple of days I am going to try to convey a clear thought without looking at the ground, apologising, or saying NEVERMIND. I need to get rid of my nervous habits. Of course they make me who I am, but they are hindering what I want to be. They are handicapping me and it's time I let them go. I don't have much time left, and I don't want to spend the rest of it saying I'm sorry or looking at the floor so damn much. Of course my shoes are pretty and I don't want my gi- normous feet to kill a tiny bug, but really for a person who has begun to actually love herself and the world a little better she sure doesn't act like it. I would like to diagnose myself with *insert compulsive/depressive/obsessive disorder here* but I can't. And I don't think anybody else should, but a part of me wants to figure out why are things getting harder for me. They are clearer than last year for sure, but for some reason they aren't as easy as to say or to commit to as they used to be. I don't get it. I feel better internally but simultaneously I can't seem to defeat all the demons inside. I guess I have a different types of demons and I only beat half of them last year. I beat the depressive, self destructive demons, but now I can't seem to kill the demons of jealously and hatred. And it saddens me to know I can think such bad thoughts about people. I try my best to suppress them but it just makes me feel fake and hollow.( mainly from smiling in the faces of the people that I feel these feelings towards, but rest assured I don't wanna kill anybody) Jeez I hate this whole being human thing. I mean it has it perks, like being on the top of the food chain and all but it make things so much more complicated. I need to stop writing now it's to late to prod myself into epiphany, maybe tomorrow. But remember love like you were dying.

oh yeah and listen to Jeff Buckley. It a shame the good ones die so young. He was beautiful.

I don't feel alright, in spite of these comforting sounds you make

I'm still frustrated from last night, I wait but I'm too tired to play pretend

Last night was one of the rare nights I actually got sleep, I feel better, something weird happened but before I must tell you some background information. I am a person who loves to be loved and I have a lack of male love in my life (not necessarily boy friend , although that would compensate for the lack of the other love, but anyways, I lack fatherly love, that close kind of love ) So the deal is I would go to sleep and be walked into the wonderful fantasy world where I had a boyfriend or a husband but he would always disappear at the end of the dream or it wouldn't really be clear enough for me to understand it and all I would be left is a feeling or a vague remembrance of what happened. Sad I know right but tonight I remember the whole dream, it was corny but it made me smile when I woke up so. I think I had it while the rest of my body was waking up so I don't remember how I got in a hotel but I was in one. I think it was like a group trip, and I was walking around and some talent scout approached me and gave me a flyer to an event they where having there that night to cast new talent. So I went and I find that it's like some weird reality TV show thing and they are making these kids make asses of themselves. So the show goes on break and I step outside and I see this beat up car and I look at it and then I go back inside and finish watching the show.So after about forty minutes of watching kids slide down escalators saying their lines trying to be funny, I go back out thinking about how I wish somebody could be here, but at this time I see the car from night rider, and I ask it who does it belong too and it tells me hova (Jay-z of course) and then I'm like okay. So the car decides to drive off and I'm chasing it but then I realize there's people behind me (I guess I was more interesting than the show)and so we're running and little do I know the guy I missed is behind me. I can't remember where I saw it but it was a guy on something that would like do anything to profess his love I think it was Good luck chuck(which sucked but that besides the point) So I 'm running and I don't even notice I ran through the night, why am I still chasing this car, no clue but I get subsided by a Marching Band. Umm really I have no clue why no one one told me not to run that way but it's a dream so I guess people don't have any sense of direction. So I have to stop and then I look beside me and there's this dude and he hands me a flip/notebook, and he tells me to look at something but I can't find it because he has drawn so many flip book stories. So I hand it to him and after flipping through his rendition of that "take me on" video he finds it and hands it to me. and it's a picture of me with a chunk missing out of my chest ( I know that sounds gory but really it doesn't look like that) and then he says something about how my heart is missing its key and that he is the key and that the only way to unlock my heart is to let him in (something like that, seems corny but at the time it had all the romanticism of a decent kiddie Cinderella-esque movie) so I kiss him and then my dream ended. So I guess that was the first time I every actually saw one of those dreams through. I don't know what it means yet, but I have a whole live to life, so I am thinking something will happen along these lines eventually. That's all for right now. I am currently going on an indie rock binge so I have some bands to check out and listen to. Hasta luega
Remember, Love like you were dying.

The District sleeps alone tonight

Alright well I obviously love music now don't I? I don't write here often because I get busy and things, but I find that when I am the busiest, that is the time I need to write in my blog the most. How sadly ironic is that? So I have been off in my own little world trying hard not to fall asleep in or fail a class, and somehow while doing all this I landed the part of Mrs. White in the very little known story of the Monkey's Paw. I really don't know how I got it. I just started acting, I have no experience, and yet I beat out all of the people who do, (I keep saying that so much, but I think(hope) that it's out of disbelief rather than boasting.) Oh well so I got it. I also decided to delete my Facebook account for the fiftieth time. I mean really things like facebook complicate your life, I would delete my myspace, but I worked too hard on those profiles. And besides it's not like there is anybody on there anymore. So I guess that's this week in review. Besides a lot of homework I have a lot of procrastinating to do. So I guess this is goodbye for now. Remember, love like you were dying.

And I still don't know exactly who I am. I never will Amen

Well I haven't written in a while not that I haven't felt an urge to it;s just that I didn't find it necessary. As you can probably figure out by now most of the topics that I talk about involve finding yourself and being human, which I guess is what's life is about but I must admit sometimes that gets annoying to talk about so, in the beginning of the blog entry I will get everything I have to say about life out of the way and then I will talk about other random things. Okay well over the past few months I have noticed that I have needed to become a better person and I have been on the road to become one ever since. And I have noticed that as I change other people do too, and it's weird to listen to a music artist that I listened to at the worst times of my life and related to then, and listen to their new album, which is about the same things from a new view and realize how much people can change. At first this said artist seemed hostile and nervous apprehensive about a lot of things, but in this album they seemed to have realized that they are ready to change, and how no matter how much they want to go back to that relationship or how much they want to cower under past behavior they can't. It's not good for them or the people they love. And now it's time for them to take their flaws(which is originally what held them back in the first place) that may never change and try and make themselves a new person and start something else, a new chapter. And even though I haven't experienced what they have I can really relate with that theme. I think being able to understand most of these feeling can possibly prepare me for the harder times of life. Hopefully I won't let anything break me. But I think that I can say that at this time in my life I am not afraid of what there is to come. I can't wait for my first heartbreak, my first child, I just can't wait for it all. I wish I could press the fast forward button and see how it plays out or at least get a taste, but where's the fun in that? I guess I just have to wait to see how this story ends. But hopefully that will be a long time from now

Okay now to change the subject. (not really)Motion City Soundtrack's(they are the band I was talking about)new album is nice. I would go as far as to say beautiful, but only in a simple way. Compared to their second album, it's kind of stripped down and slightly cliched, but I think that's mostly the point of it. The songs are really simple and melodious and very introspective in the classic MCS style. I wouldn't say it's the best album I ever heard, but it's a refreshing reminder of how music can depict feelings perfectly.

Okay here we got the unrelated topic. I recently got assigned a locker at school, (which I will never use) and when I opened I found one of the copies of the Leonardo da vinci notebook. And all I have to say is wow, the artwork is gorgeous, and it's obvious the man knew what he was doing. The detail of the human anatomy he pointed out, is something humans don't stand still long enough to notice. I love it.

Also another thing, the new Fall Out Boy video is wonderful, and it really gives the young people of today who have occupied their time with Ipods and how bad Britney Spears has gotten something else to think about, other than themselves of course. And that's all I have to say about that (Forrest Gump Reference anyone?) Anyways take care of each other and then we won't have to worry about much. Love.

No alarms and no suprises/ The Tourist

Those songs are really pretty and very insightful. Radiohead, check it out.

Anyways have you ever had a feeling that everything would be okay not matter how shitty things got? I know it's kind of weird to be in your teens and talking about stuff like that, but if you've been through enough stuff and you recognize that you are growing person I guess not. This time last year I was about to get the worst news of my life that would mark the beginning of a slightly downward spiral that didn't even get better when the year ended.And Ironically it took me going back to the place(the actual place, not being metaphorical here) where the the life changing news had happened, seeing that even in the most dire conditions that change can happen, to learn that things are not always as bad as they seem. I know it's all been said before but you don't actually believe it until you experience it. It 's like things are bad but I could be dead or dying, but I am not. I am here. I am living. I am breathing. And nothing can keep me from that truth. Only I can.(whoa, big "Anthem" (the book)moment) I know that in some circumstances it's necessary to die, physically. But I will never let my spirit die. Believe me I have come close to it but I have made up my mind and I am will not allow that to happen.But back to the epiphany. It was weird. I was reading an email from a friend of mine and he was talking about how he couldn't believe people he knew were going off to college. Which is something I had been thinking about all week. And then (not necessarily in this order) I had reached the conclusion that everything was going to be just fine. I was on facebook and then I read this quote

"What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does."

And it was oddly enlightening. It just made me feel better about everything. I know it's weird to be reassured by a quote but it makes sense right?So yeah, I mean I was already into the whole Taoism philosophy of life as noted in previous blogs, but I mean looking back on the past year and realizing how far as a person I have come and how far I have to go. It just all makes sense and it makes me want to get finished with school, love my friends more and life live fuller. I haven't done that in a while(mostly since I was five) And I think it's time that I did something about that.
Oh and yes I do know that this blog is repetitive, but so are most things. (cycles, inside jokes, Some emphasized points, college books and some professors, etc.)And expect grammatical errors.

Let down and hanging around/Karma Polce

You know sometimes I feel like that, let down and hanging around. As a mistake making human living with other mistake making humans, it hard to realize the capacity we have to intentionally hurt someone, or leave them high and dry.Well at this point I am really tired. I have been procrastinating, but mainly due to the utter lack of care for school and apexing fatigue."This is what you get" I am so mentally out of it I flunked a test today (well it was a practice test but still) and I didn't care. But I mean why worry about it, what is done is done and I can't go back in time and fix it and I don't even want to. "I've given all I can but it's not enough" You know I really need to stop listen to Cd's when I type blogs because it's really weird to see how my topic slowly shifts to fit the song. Or maybe that's just a weird coincidence whatever the case, I really need to finish my homework. "Phew for a minute there I lost myself" But now I am back and off to work.

Where have all the good people gone

I mean really where have they gone, because I am seriously looking. Some of them are going to college and off to become very important in the future, even if they don't know it. Sometimes you get feelings about these things. I really wish someone would read this blog so I wouldn't feel like I was talking out of my ass. Anyways. I have realized that with maturity your writing style and point of view tends to change. Duh you say, well yes I already knew this, but a part of me wanted to hold onto the idea of everlasting ideals. Insane huh.Oh well. I hope I don't eventually evolve into an ass. So back to the good people. I have read many a blog of people I know or have known. Now of course I expected their writing to be different from how they talk, but have you ever gotten the feeling that people thought you were stupid so they tended to dumb down conversation. I may be slightly behind at times but that does not mean you have to feel the need to dumb yourself down in order to talk to me. I am capable of forming intelligent thought, even if I can't speak it or type it well from time to time. Why can't people present all of them selves to each other and then allow each other to develop his or her own opinion's. I hate the fact that someone may have an Internet side and a social side. I mean really. How much do you have to hide if you are typing it on the Internet? Anyways, I am seriously rethinking how I approach older people(mainly recent high school seniors and college freshman) Mainly because some where in between prepubescence and nearing full maturity, they have seem to have lost the side of them that contains at least an ounce of humility and a lack of self awareness. I mean really when did you decided to leave the part of you that could play in the mud and not care behind?I hate that. It happens but what can you do? I guess all I can wish for is that it doesn't happen to me. And for those you like the blogs in which people divide stuff into paragraphs, sorry buddy you are not gonna get that here.Also for those of you whom may confuse my naiveity and somewhat carfreeness as stupidity, I am going to have to remind you of the ways of the Dao. And besides who is more stressed, me or you? I'd take you for a thousand Alec.In other news I got my first Queen cd, and I wonder where have I been and what have I been waiting on, this album is pretty epic. You can barely even tell when it was actually made. Very timeless. Besides the hairstyles. Anyways that's all I have to ramble about to night, I really should be finishing an AP paper, but one step at a time huh? Take Care and don't forget. I am Super Special Awesome.

I know I said that I wouldn't write in this any more, but I lied

Okay Well the new school year is approaching and I really am kinda clueless, I mean for the first time I am not riddled with anxiety but I still don't know what the hell I plan on doing. I mean shit, I still need to get school supplies. But I guess the main reason I don't really care about school starting is because for the first time in all the history of school starting I feel truly good about myself, I have this new found confidence that I had been missing or faking for the past few years, and now that I actually have it I am truly happy. So With that I guess the only thing left to say is YAY!

THIS IS THE LAST TIME

I think that I owe it to the world to stop writing on this thing. I have to do something worthwhile. I think that my point of view and my intellect should not be wasted on the neurotic dwellings of mind. So I think I am gonna do it, I am gonna write, books, songs, movies. Anything as long as I am not wasting what I have.

Its been a while since we talked last..

Well what can I say.. I have been busy and unable to access this account. But I am once again sucked into the lonely world of non celebrity blogging. Well what do I mean? What is the point of me writing this if no one cares enough to read it? What is the point of me managing accounts if no one is going to see them. I know that the life of a celebrity can be lonely and wanting, but what if you can deal with he shit of other people's crap and stay alive? Huh? What do I get for that. Everday famous people are out there fucking themselves over and Doing stupid ass stuff, While I sit here trying to make sense of my life without going bankrupt, getting shot, raped, or emotionally screwed. I want to know where is my fucking medal? It's a shame I have to hire a publicist, get a fan page, and other networking accounts, write a book and then throw it in peoples faces alot just to get noticed. Seriously. Should it be that hard? I know that the invention of Myspace and Youtube was supposed to make it easier, but I am dying from lack of human notice over here.Fuck spelling errors, I am sad.

How dare we! and how dare Gingrich

How dare we sit back and let our government start a war of the races. I am sick of the discrimination against Latinos. I mean just recently Newt Gingrich suggests that we prohibit the printing of bilingual documents because he feels that immigrants should learn the language. He also suggests that in addition to the citizenship test they take and the documents they fill out that they should pass a English efficiency test, so they can "learn the language of the government. Here's what he said in full.
"The government should quit mandating that various documents be printed in any one of 700 languages depending on who randomly shows up" to vote, said Gingrich, who is considering seeking the Republican presidential nomination in 2008. He made the comments in a speech to the National Federation of Republican Women. "The American people believe English should be the official language of the government. ... We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto."
How dare he put words in my mouth I am an American and I don't feel that way. Don't get me started on the fact that he called it "the ghetto. "The whole point of the idea of having a land of the free, is to have a place where different cultures can come together and be able to work as one. It wouldn't be fair of us to not take the effort to learn other people's culture and language while at the same time forcing them to learn ours. It is disrespectful, and it goes against the idea that this country was founded on. What's the point in claiming to be the "United States" when we really aren't united at all. Sound like false advertisement to me.

If you choke near me I might save you, but I think you rather die than feel the wrath of a woman scared.

Well damn you to the person who almost choked in front of me today. I know I've worn that look on my face a couple of times, but how dare you make me almost watch you die? How dare you. I would have saved you but, it took you so long to try and get what you wanted to say out. I thought you were either going to puke or choke. I really would have tried, but the human brain moves too slow(even the doctors) and even the right reaction might be the wrong one. I asked you afterwards what was really going on and you said a little bit of both, and I shunned you. That's all I could do. How dare you put me in that situation. I would love if it I never would have to feel that way again, but I know I will. So I guess My anger wanted me to say, Damn you! how dare you make me feel that way before I really had to grow up?

It's these substandard hotels...appealing only 'cause their just that unappealing

Well I never once in my life thought that I would be able to see the place that a musician wrote about but, I guess I should have considered the possibility.Go to http://lyricsondemand.com/p/panicatthediscolyrics/buildgodthenwelltalklyrics.html and read the lyrics. you know the hotel part. Yeah I stayed there.Not in the exact place, but the weird equivalent to it. I had to go to Starkville, MS, for a competition. And when we got there we pulled into this motel. I thought that we were going to turn around, but I was sadly mistaken. We got our room key and ran in, and when we set foot in the door, we should have ran away. The place was sleazy. It looked like the place you rent out for a quickie.(if you were a drug addict) It was dirt on the walls(I don't even want to know how it got there) Pubic hair on the towels(apparently not washed) and weird fluid(seemingly semen) on the sheets"the shade of the sheets and before all the stains" It was sick, the ice bucket shit stuff in it, and the ironing board was gross. But luckily, my mom who is a weird germophobe had packed disinfectant spray. So I guess this was the only thing that kept me from sleeping outside.But other than this it was a good vacation. Oh yeah, the place was crawling with sex offenders and weird cheap people. Half of it was demolished for only god knows why, and the exit signs pointed to impending suicides.We went on a scavenger hunt and we found another part of the hotel. It looked like it hadn't been refurnished since the early nineties, and alot of the rooms looked like crime scenes.and the sad thing is I would have rathered to stay there. And there were random brooms places, and weird people smoking. Sounds fun huh? yeah it was.

You know that you are in dangerous "single"territory when your dreams start to give you the perfect person

Jeez. How long can I be single really? I mean those people that say your dreams are gateways to things to come must have a manual someplace in theirs because after I wake up from any sort of good dream I have (which is rare anyway) I am always like what the f***? And you know those dreams that end too soon? Yeah the goods ones for me are always like that. Like last night. I had another dream about someone who loved me. But as always I was only left with who the person sounded like or who he might have looked like.No Name. Just a vision and a feeling. I am getting tried of being lonely. and there is so much Isolation can take. I mean some days I want to be alone, but not like this. I miss them already....

Texas is fun to visit, but apparently not to live(well it depends on who you are)

I just got back from a cool trip to Texas, and I found out that even though it may be in better developmental stages than where I am living now, it is certainly not in better social stages. When I went to the malls everybody seemed to be lost in some sort of trance that prohibited them from being able to speak to people. But when I found the ever rare "talkative one" I often found that they didn't really like their job. Most of these people where clerks, and they always sounded like they had something better do rather than work(either that or talk to me)the words that I am using may make these wonderful people sound bad, but they are not. They are wonderful and interesting people, who got stuck in a seemingly boring place. It's amazing to me how you can have over sixty stores, and a skating rink and still not be able to have a good time. I mean I live in a place where we are looking at malls leaving rather than coming, and no skate parks, and we still find some way to have a good time. Even if it does mean going to the same mall or movie theater, fifty times.Thanks for the people at Hot Topic who replaced my nail polish and held conversations with me, even though I came back in the store like five times. Thanks to the dude from Galleria drugs who talked to me.It's nice to know that some days you want out of the store.And thanks to the dude at Spencer's...Lovely..And thanks to the maintenance man at the Crowne Plaza I really wanted to ride the elevators longer though.

When the mind wonders, oh the places you will go

Umm, as a person in this ever changing society, I have the tendency to cloud my thoughts with weird metaphors and extra words(like ever changing). Anyway I started this blog in attempt to try to clean up some of my mind clutter because my head is starting to hurt.I was multitasking(watching youtube and independent lens) and I was thinking about something. The Internet has complicated our lives in ways I don't think we have yet to realize. I was browsing "the tube" for a video that would be inspiring and unique only to realize that over 5,ooo people had found it before me. Some of them realized what they had stumbled upon, and others were limited to the ever descriptive, "Great Vid!" After browsing youtube again to find another great video I was thinking that, privacy is gone. Even the Internet, especially on the Internet. People nowadays are making them selves overexposed trying to grasp a piece of the spotlight. Now posting this blog on a publicly viewed site is a direct contradiction of what I just typed, but then again I am a member of sites like Myspace and Youtube, so I guess I want it too. Now don't read this and stop in a place you are bothered by and try to raise a complaint, just keep reading and hopefully my point, if there is one, will become clearer. The internet does have it's pluses, but why are we willing to give up our privacy and actual human interaction for a slice of the recognition pie. I guess this was bound to happen, aren't we all not perfect.(I really hope that wasn't a double negative) but what will happen when we all are just limited to walking around with our brand new cell phones, texting a friend, or on the latest computer on the newest site. Will the arts end because people stop funding it? Will the government become reduced to a Webpage with a comment board. I love human intelligence, but where will it go when the Internet has taken over? ( Don't hate me because of mispelled words and comma errors, I'm not perfect)