I would rather feel fine

Thoughts at 3AM: I don't want to know myself anymore, I don't want to make sense. I want to be completely unrecognizable. Cut my hair, lose the weight, get pierced and I don't know why. I keep trying to lose myself in oblivion but my mind won't let me, constantly pulling me back into the way I was taught. Be safe, be nice, be good. I want to stop feeling bad for getting it wrong. Conscience dissolved and the freedom of errors left behind. But my heart aches at the thought of fucking up at someone else's expense. They say I'm only hurting myself but tell that to my grandma. I yearn to feel normal. Apart of the others, and I have good days, but the darkness comes creeping creating a fog in my brain. What would happened if I gave in, and got lost?

Skyscrapers please forgive me, I didn't mean a word I said

The girl's in college now.

 I didn't really see this far in advance and now that I'm here it's an incredibly foreign monster. While I am enjoying my classes and am having an incredible experience, it sometimes feels like I am stuck at a sleep a way camp and I want to stab all of my bunk mates. And this is just a month into the whole thing. I've recently read through a few of some of my old posts and decided to find some way to get them published which is pretty freaking awesome if you ask me, but part of me really wonders how far away from that I have grown. And whether or not the direction I am moving towards now is a particularly good one. But one thing I am pretty satisfied with is my increasing ability to find the strength to remove myself from unhealthy situations, and I really hope I can put that new skill to some use while I'm here. I'm finding my body and am beginning to become comfortable with it which is the last thing I expected to happen while I was in college, but I'm really glad that it is finally happening. At this moment the general consensus from the audience is optimistic, but no one knows with the playwright has up her sleeve.

Only In Dreams

Ahh!. It's been quite a while. I think maybe six months. Wow. That's. Wow. Hopefully I can still figure out how this site works. I've revamped this blog(as if you can't see that) but also myself. Sigh of relief happens....Now!! I'm embarking on my senior year of high school and I must say I am freaked!. Crazy excited. When I reread my past blog entries and how they were mostly about getting out of school and escaping boredom I realize that when I talked about it then I never really thought how quick the whole thing would go. Any Regrets? Not so much regret but the hope that the decisions I've made will lead to good things. But maybe if I had to do one thing over again, I would have enjoyed things more.
This year (despite very weird health battles) I've been the happiest I've been a while. I can tell that my smile muscles have been working as shown by my ever raising cheekbones. I can personally tell there's a 180 change. And I think I have the power to anything I freaking well please with positive thinking. And although that may be hard at times, I don't think it's impossible. Definitely. So I'm gonna get back in the grove of things and I'm going to try to keep this freshly positive perspective. That's very important at this time in the world.

This summer:
Various projects are about, but I'm mainly trying to make sure my path in college will be full of things that I want to do. I'm taking film classes in Chicago to make sure that I want to explore that film. And if it turns out I don't, I have some other things is mind.... But right now anything is up for grabs.

Dance all night, Dance all day

It's fooking cold tonite. Gosh. Usually I would be curled up in the fetal position trying to muster any warmth I can get, but I am up at this ungodly hour trying to finish a paper I should have done A long time ago.All thanks to a nasty bout with food poisoning and a perpetual penchant for procrastination, I am attempting to do two weeks worth of work in one night. And because of this I am going to be drooling in AP chem today. How fun! This weekend was awesome. I'd have to put it in the top ten of high school experiences, closely behind popping balloons in the Papa John's parking lot. I went to the mall with my buddy/life partner(besties!) Ambrose.And did incredibly fun things like hold random conversations with the clerk in the underground (kinda feel like a fool in the end though) Found out alot about his life and realized that maybe I need to hold off on a few things until, well until something. Anyways after this and having a nice little conversation about names with the people over at Starbucks, who can't get enough of them, me and my dearAmbrose daringly walked across county line and went to Barnhills and encountered a waiter who charged us half price (the meal was supposed to be like 10.00, he charged us five)Sweet! I battled with the soft serve machine that never stops serving and ate freezer burnt cheesecake with a side of raspberry cake. It was great.Then with the money we saved we trekked across Countyline once more and made a pit stop to Krispy Kreme for a little glazed sin. We went back to the mall and attempted to end the night with one more conversation with the clerk. ( although in my opinion I should have stopped while I was ahead, but hey what's life if you can't look like an asshole at least once.) But the best part of the night was when I was in the underground. The clerk who was working had set the radio to Q 105 (I think) and all these Motown songs kept coming on. And whenever there's Motowne(ha) Hope does the twist and the mash potato and the swing. Great. So I am dancing, pulling out all the moves and this little baby comes with his binky in his mouth and watches my dances with his big blue eyes. I mean this baby was quite gorgeous. And it was great, no not that the little boy was being exposed to my failed attempts at rhythmically gyrating, but that the baby was able to see something different and maybe store it in his long term subconscious, so that when he grows up that's one more thing they can't tell him he can't do, cause he saw me do it. And hopefully one day I'll see him dance in public and not be afraid to be himself. So yay! That was about all I did this weekend except for exhibit many shameful displays of laziness. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Wisdom, Wisdom where can I get some?

It's been awhile. Jeez. I haven't had internet. and I still don't but I felt the need to write and so despite my feeling bad I am currently making someone pay more money on their internet. Yay! I cut my hair recently. It feels good and I feel lighter as one always does after getting a cut and new perspective. Is it odd that I used to suck at reading Greek lit and Archaic things, but now I get it? Maybe it was just the translations but it feels good to be good at something. I am currently trying to read a book a week. It's not really working out cause I am kinda busy but maybe it will in the future. I am also trying to get a job, write a screenplay and a book all while trying to accost some pen pals. Seriously. So for those who thought she was dead. Alas, no longer, she is just taking a break away from technology and feels better for it. Peace out homes.

Shoot me Down and Tell me something I don't know

It it weird when your bus driver tells you that you remind her of herself? Yeah I thought so too. Gosh I can see how I reminded her. She said I was a loner. I said by choice, and then she went on to say that she went to prom with her cousin. Okay, nothing is wrong with that, I mean I have a really cool cousin, but is that the path I'm heading down?
To make it better I guess, she said that I may in fact be better off being a loner considering that a considerable amount of my peers of are immature, but that really an excuse for being somewhat socially inept. I guess it just happened, mostly by choice. But somewhere after the hard times of elementary, I just stopped trying to include myself amongst the masses. I mean even then it is obvious that I would never exactly fit in with them. I don't know why, but very few people seem to be able to comprehend the mess that is Hope and I appreciate those that do. But it's very unfortunate for them because they are essentially all I will have as my high school years come to a close. No memories of being the Queen or being surrounded by masses of people, but more so with the uncomfortable glances in my directions when I wear the things I make or do something completely bizarre. No, I am not of the high school years, I am an entity all to myself, but why does it seems like I am missing out on something. I guess it feels like these different circles of people are moving together toward the pursuit of maturity, and the finding of goals, while I am like the chick in the corner dancing to the music in her MP3 while the PA is blaring hip hop. Maybe I just wasn't built with the necessity of the High School years, but yet I find myself in the halls everyday, looking around and shaking my head in agony wondering when I can escape to that remote Nature-filled Liberal Arts college in Wisconsin. *sigh*
*Disclaimer: I am not complaining just venting*
I got a comment a while back that was totally psychoanalyzing me wrong talking about how I make life miserable for myself. But I disagree, I have a right to bitch sometimes, I have had some horrible moments but if that person was to know me, she'd hardly believe that most of the stuff I type is even true. Cause if she hadn't noticed my blog is the stuff I think everyday, but don't say for fear of further polluting the Earth with useless things. So I type it here, I leave it here, and I go off to try to be a better person than I believe myself to be.