Where are you my angel now? Don't you see me crying?

Well when I had started this I was very happy. I had done a film workshop over the weekend and I felt great because I felt like it was what I wanted to do, and the week didn't start as bad as I thought it was going to so I was feeling hopeful about the whole thing. But Then my brother gets that letter in the mail saying that he has to register for the United States Army just because he's eighteen and they want to have a ready supply of fresh healthy boys to go over and fight that great fight. So that was hit number one, and then somebody decides to again invade the privacy of my home by busting in our storage room door. So sorry for making you guys sad but shit like this and worse things are happening everyday.And in order for me to get over it I have to leave it somewhere so I can become a better person. If that makes sense.But yeah. This is how things are going. And don't like it when things get so bad that good people begin to think that they have to use violence to protect themselves, and hearing my mom say she needs to buy a gun just broke my heart. I mean when does it get better? I really hope it does soon.

Onto less heavier things, I need to clean my room it's kinda bothering my now but I have this weird feeling that it is probably boosting my immune system.I want to get rid of my pouch. I need to do some sit-ups. It's kinda weird how I love every part of my self except my stomach and my back. Odd huh?I think I need to keep busy so I won't override myself with bad feelings. And I think I am doing a pretty good job of it. I have my agenda list filled up all the way to next Monday so go me. Now if only I had someone to share it with.I hope you guys out there are having a good time with your life and such. I mean it can only get better honestly. Sometime during this week I guess, I am gonna actually type something deep but I just had to get this away from me. So goodnight out there and hold yourself tight.

When your mind's made up there's no point even talking

Part of me has died and it won't return. Part of me has tried but look what it has become.

So I have talked about the world ending,politics,sex,boys,music, and books. I figure I am pretty well rounded. This is like one really drawn out therapy session, so get your notepad out and get ready to analyze. I feel like such a prude. I talk about how I love myself and I am beginning to figure everything out and blahdey blahy. But I think I am fooling myself.Eventually I hope I will be able to say things I mean and not feel the sting when they come back to bite me in the ass. I only know one thing though. I like good people. People whose smile and laugh just make you feel automatically better about the situation. And I hope that I am that type of person for someone else. But it's hard to be that when you feel crappy. I know this will pass. I need to stop wallowing. I tend to do this alot. I think I am ready for college, like mentally kind of. It's hard to explain. I don't have as much life experience that some college students have or the amount of intelligence some have, but I think I am ready to venture out and find a group of friendly smart non pompous people to collaborate in something, whether it be music or a film. Artistically I am ready to leave Jackson. Not that I can't be inspired here, but there's so much out there and I just want to see it before it's all gone.Sorry you guys I showed have warned you this blog might be a little sad. How can I type this thing but I can't type a paper. I am just awed by myself.I hope I don't have to go through this again, one life crisis is good enough thank you. But it's like I can get all the education I want and still not have the answers to everything. So maybe I should just spend my time doing things worth spending time on other than school. Everytime I am there I just feel like there's something better I could be doing. I could be helping people, making something. Anything. I don't feel valuable. And to all those people who are gonna comment you are valuable and I love you. Thank you and I love you too, but I just think I need to get all this crap out so I can truthfully say I am not full of it anymore. Because these past few weeks I have been filled with bull crap. It's about time it decided to come out.

Onto different subjects other than me self. Heath Ledger has died. Not that you needed me to tell you that, but it's so unreal. I mean Kurt Cobain's death was sudden but you saw it coming because of the life he led.(you can talk all you want about how much of a bitch Courtney was, but in the end the only who could stop him was himself)But Heath Ledger. He was so young and he had a daughter. A baby girl who now has to deal with this the rest of her life. I don't know what was the cause of death. But I really hope that he's in a better place.And I hope he's happy.But where ever he is he needs to watch over the people he left because they are gonna need the guidance.

Also I really like it when male singers scream. Something sexy about that. There's two singers as of now that I really like hearing scream and they are. Glen Hansard and Jeff Buckley. Jeff doesn't really scream but man he does something hypnotic with his voice and I melt.The harmony of a male and female voice is just something so gorgeous. If you haven't heard something like that before you need to. It is the most beautiful thing either. Especially when those two people sound like their souls are melting together into this awesome love stew.Greatness. I guess that's why a lot of people like sex, something about that joining of two people it's just so satisfying. But I guess that's it. I really want to take a sabbatical. but I don't think they make those for teenagers. I'll make it. But I think I am gonna need you to help keep moving. And you know who you are. I love you and love each other. You're gonna need it.

Hear the Sirens call me Home

999(spoons in a drawer)

This one is gonna be kinda offensive (not really)so all you mommas keep the kiddies at bay(or not). First off, I would like to apologize to someone I know for writing a scene about them in the worst way. They know what I am talking about and that is all I am gonna say.

Now on to the reason for me writing this blog. I think sometimes sex is an excuse to feel numb. I mean look at the sixties, there was a lot of sex, and there was a lot of pain. Okay that's cool (except for all of the babies no matter how cute they were) but now a days there isn't alot of sex anymore. (at least none that I have heard about, except for that global o thing) I think people have so many devices that keep them form feeling, like myspace or their black berries that they don't seem to need anything human anymore. and that is kinda unfortunate. Even though most of the sex during the sixties was carefree and one night stand filled, at least people came together even if for only a few minutes. And I was watching something, and they were like if every soldier stopped fighting and picked up a girl there wouldn't be anymore war(weird the Flight of Concords actually contained something profound). I mean that kinda makes sense doesn't it. Of course there's like AIDS and things, but in theory that make sense. I am sick of all the hurt and pain. And our rulers don't really make it any easier. You want to know something. I wonder if my blog is blocked in China. hmm. A least I don't have my picture up on here. And most of the time all technology does is build paranoia. I mean back in the 18th century people were paranoid enough with having to watch what they said. But the paranoia has gone in a different direction. People don't care what they say but now they have to worry if someone will make up stupid ways to say that what they said was wrong (which is kinda the same thing when you think about it so I guess my point was kinda null)

So back to the whole sex for world peace thing. I mean you don't even have to get the action, just hold each other at least. I mean when the end of the world comes your gonna end up holding some one's hand.

You know, that would be a way to die. Like if when everything was crashing down all you did was lay around and hugged somebody. And for that moment you two knew exactly what each other was thinking, how they felt, smelled. I mean that would be insane. I want to do that.I am gonna start a spooning committee (they exist i swear)when I get older and we are gonna meet like three times a week or as much as needed, and then we would just spend the night holding each other, no sex, no drugs, alcohol just love. How simple is that? And yet nobody seems to be able to do it.

*Hug*

It's Business Time

Okay this one is gonna be kinda a rambler so be patient. Umm yeah. I am such and asshole. I check my blog comment count about everyday in hopes I'll be surprised,when I didn't check it it got noticed but now that I have I am screwed. How fun is that?

I have to do a storyboard for a commercial.... In Mississippi.... About Walking...Great huh?
The thing is Commercials are like thirty seconds of brainwashing and shameless promotion. Except for that new converse commercial. Oh wait, that's just brainwashing with the exploitation of how the other commercials are made. Same thing slight difference. I don't know if I am gonna be able to do that though. I mean two things I am against(MS and commercials) have to coexist. How do I make a commercial without exposing he corrupt government system. I just don't see it happening. *sigh* Sometimes, I think of myself as artistic WAY too much.Especially since it doesn't really apply. I come up with great ideas because I am too lazy to learn and get an education. So there it is. Being artistic is just an excuse for laziness.(you can tell I am being facetious right? didn't know if you could)

Anyways, I have forgotten the true purpose of this thing. And I hope my mom doesn't find it until I am forty or something. I really worry about the world though. I really want to do something but the people at my school hold me back (or maybe it's just myself) The kids at my school just don't realize how much is at stake this year and most of them don't even know about the Mayan calender. Maybe ignorance is better. (they seem happier than me)
But if they knew they could do something about it and they were willing to cause change so many things could be set in motion. Our generation is gonna have to love during wartime so why not start now? Our parents generation kinda fucked us over. (the eighties man..WTF?)I mean honestly. Our grandparents were great but, the politicians born in the baby boom, just liked to blow up stuff. And what's up with that shit.
I can't talk to my mom about politics because I swear she's just as confused as I am.Maybe I need to walk around naked in protest of everything. Or make a shirt. you know what? I think I am gonna make a shirt I just need the right stencil.
Goodnight guys.

Those who take care of the worst of ye shall become the best of ye.

2' oclock you're still sleeping when you wake up you'll be in such pain

I really want to delete my Facebook Page. I mean really. It gives me way to much information about people, some of which I was better off not knowing. A lot of them I want to delete, but then my friends list would be down to like 5 but the people I deleted wouldn't even notice so I guess it's okay
It's just that I have so very few people that I talk to in real life, Facebook kinda sucks for me because I log on most time and nobody's online. Now what's that you say? Get more friends eh? Well I am sorry Sherlock no can do.A lot of people don't have time to get me like I need to get gotten and I don't have time to explain myself to people who could care less. So I am now off to spring clean my facebook page in the middle of Winter. God it's so cold.


On a side note I have recently noticed that my recent changes in decisions(personality traits living style) and what not have caused my music tastes to change which is fine by me. I used to be in heavy hard stuff and semi depressing things, but now I seem to lean toward some sort of ethereal, spiritual, acoustic music that makes me feel like being born. It hard to explain but if you've ever heard music similar to what I am talking about you understand it.

How long is now?

Whatever happened to knowing that this was forever.

I had a bad dream.

You would think that once one got older they wouldn't have them anymore but they happen. And after this one was over I stayed in bed for a moment hoping that I would forget and it would go away but it didn't. And I went to the bathroom and came out shaking and then I asked my mom for a hug and that scared her, but I feel slightly better. The hug made me feel real.I am typing this with tears in my eyes because even though My dream was no more possible than a sci fi thiller it was a metaphor for so many things and a summation of so many problems in the morning that it's still scary to think about. And the cars passing by my window aren't helping. I've had dreams like this since I was little but now I can remember them and they scare me. It was about a black hole. It started off with my brother at a talent show and him dancing/singing one of my songs (meaning one of my favorite band's songs called Degausser) And it got well received cause most of the people knew the words, or I think they learned them so they could sing along and it worked out great. And some news lady kept asking me how to spell it and I kept having to change the way I wrote it, first with pen, but my hand was too shaky then with chalk and water but in my excitement of how good it looked I messed up. So I finally wrote it on a napkin, because I realized I was trying to hard to do stuff I couldn't really do. Since I was finished I decided to go out and look at the stars with a friend and They were so gorgeous. Bright and everything, especially without a telescope and I noticed the black hole (look it up it's been in the recent news) and it was opening up wider. So I was running towards the house to tell everybody but my running was slowed and once I got to the house everybody already knew and then the fire trucks came. Stuff was being lifted, things thrown lightning and what not. Then it started to rain so, but this rain changed your skin color if you were out during the black hole thing so we stayed in the house. I wake up (in the dream) to find my mom right there and I am confused she fills me in on what the recent news has said(I think only the old tv's worked, kinda like the sixties and stuff), and we go to the hardware store to get prepared and I see my g-parents there working on cars, so that made me feel better(because they were alive). Then we get home and everybody has a curfew of nine o clock until the black hole turned into a new star.Then I woke up. Now that doesn't sound scary but this dream was vivid and clear, the colors and the smells, the clothes, the music everything. And it scared me half to death. I don't even know how I came up with that in my head. I think prior to falling asleep I was trying to think of something innovative for a screenplay that nobody had seen, and my brain gave me that. But with everything that's going on in the world the last thing I need is the end of the world dream, because in the state the world is in now it makes me think that it's possible any second now, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I'm leaving but I don't know where to

I am supposed to be writing a paper (yes again) and I have side tracked myself immensely(yes again) but this time I think it was for the greater good. I have been obsessed with Juno, and everything about it, and the soundtrack is great. So I am looking up all the artists from it (most of them are Kimya Dawson) and I become somewhat immersed in her. She is one of the weirdest, most beautiful, loving people I have known. And I say known, because that's what it feels like. She is so open but not in the I am trying too hard kinda of way, she just is. And she exhibits the "mother of the world" quality which doesn't exists in many.Amazing is she.



I feel like such and ass. I found out that people were reading this thing and I became one of the most comment obsessed people I know. And I always get like that, I post something a place and I automatically become obsessed with the success of it or how well it was received and it's really annoying,and I don't like the fact that I do that and yet I keep doing it. And the only way I don't do it is to keep busy, but I can't keep busy forever.



I really need to get a better work ethic. I used to be a hard worker but now I am just tired all the time and lazy, and I don't get it. I have all these dreams and ideas and I'm letting them go to waste because I am too damn lazy to move. I mean okay I make clothes... That's peachy but the Amish do better.And there's this freaking rock band called Tiny Masters of Today and their collective age is 24 (two kids aged 11 and 13) They are doing more things than I am and I am like four years older than one of them. What the hell am I doing with myself? I need to get my damn permit, get me a beatle, a job, (or better yet a drive) and get off my ass. I want to do so much and I am not making an effort. and that pisses me off at myself. This ends today. Because if it doesn't I have no point in being here because I am not being the person I want to be.

End.

I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side

Well this is the New Year.

Hey don't judge me. It's not my fault everybody likes to blog on the First day of the New Years. Sue me. I am trying to retain what little bit of originality that can be salvaged from my self destruction by posting this blog REALLY late(as if that's special). So tada. I saw Juno, and the soundtrack alone kinda restored me. I was like Pacman, and I couldn't find the cherries and the Ghost were on my tail, but Out of nowhere came that glowing power ball and now I am ready to turn around and eat those very same ghosts. I feel empowered. I am still single, but hey it happens. I have a lot of years to live so no worries.I look forward to having a good year. I hope this world will take some very important steps toward good hearted and no strings attached peace. I know it can happen. I know that I am destined to do something amazing and important but I haven't found it yet. In other News I have honed my baby skills. I mean of course I get it wrong, but they work when it's important. In four days I am off to go home. I hope the air doesn't sting my lungs. I saw it snow for the first time in some years and I felt a sense of innocence and wonder that I had missed for some years. I hope I will never become jaded about the snow. I really need to make myself a snowman. His name is Joe. And fuck you if you get pissed because all of the words below are too close together. Listen to the song and then I am pretty sure you'll care just a little less. It can be found on the official Juno Website.Hell. Listen to the whole soundtrack.

Loose lips might sink ships but loose gooses take tripsTo San Francisco, double dutch discoTech TV hottie, do it for ScottyDo it for the living and do it for the deadDo it for the monsters under your bedDo it for the teenagers and do it for your momBroken hearts hurt but they make us strong, andWe won't stop until somebody calls the copsAnd even then we'll start again and just pretendThat nothing ever happenedWe won't stop until somebody calls the copsAnd even then we'll start again and just pretendThat nothing ever happenedWe're just dancing, we're just huggingSinging, screaming, kissing, tuggingOn the sleeve of how it used to beHow's it gonna be?I'll drop kick Russell StoverMove into the starting over houseAnd know Matt Rouse and JestAre watching me achieve my dreamsAnd we'll pray all damn day, every dayThat all this shit our president has got us in will go awayWhile we strive to figure out a way we can surviveThese trying times without losing our mindsSo if you wanna burn yourselfRemember that I LOVE YOUAnd if you wanna cut yourselfRemember that I LOVE YOUAnd if you wanna kill yourselfRemember that I LOVE YOUCall me up before you're deadWe can make some plans insteadSend me an IM, I'll be your friendShysters live from scheme to schemeAnd my 4th quarter pipe dreamsAre seeming more and more worth fighting forSo I'll curate some situations, make my job a big vacationAnd I'll say FUCK BUSH AND FUCK THIS WARMy war paint is sharpie inkAnd I'll show you how much my shit stinksAnd ask you what you thinkBecause your thoughts and words are powerfulThey think we're disposableWell both my thumbs opposableAre spelled out on a double wordAnd triple letter scoreWe won't stop until somebody calls the copsAnd even then we'll start again and just pretendThat nothing ever happenedWe won't stop until somebody calls the copsAnd even then we'll start again and just pretendThat nothing ever happenedWe're just dancing, we're just huggingSinging, screaming, kissing, tuggingOn the sleeve of how it used to be