You're what happens when two substances collide

Nice to always rediscover how you got here. Kinda. Jeez I wish the process of constant transformation would let me know when it is I am going to become the nice, kind-hearted person I want to be. I am so judgemental, I mean I usually try to stand up when injustices like people being judged unfairly are happening, but it seems to me know that I am committing the injustices. I really want this part of me to begone. If I could perform surgery on myself I'd remove most of things I am insecure about (belly,nose, hair even) and the spitefulness(use of stereotypes, calling people names in my head never out loud cause the meanest people aren't brave enough to say the shit they think about people out loud.) And be left with the perfect Hope who is ready to go out there and make a change, cause the state I'm in is not really doing anybody any good, I mean admittedly I'd like to think that I give off a good vibe when I am around people, but there are moments when I say things that are incorrect and I feel stupid after they leave my mouth, but there's no takies-backs. And it just seems to me that the people around me never say anything wrong, especially the older ones. But I guess then again it's a matter of exposure, because I notice the problems with everything that the older people in my family say, but when it comes to some people that I know outside of my house, it seems as though they could do no wrong, but I suppose if I really did know them I would notice their flaws too. But it doesn't help when your family constantly points out your flaws; you know you are ALWAYS talking back (well that's cause you are wrong sometimes and you don't listen to me ) You know you are ALWAYS judging people (and you don't? it's probably something I inherited from you) You are ALWAYS trying to get out, and away from me you MUST be ashamed of us ( nope I got over that a long time ago, I am ashamed of myself, I get tired of not be able to appreciate my family, and sometimes I just want some time with people who are not you, or even time with myself to just try to figure out what the hell I am getting myself into, and the direction I want to ultimately go, but I can't do that unless you stop freaking holding my hand. Maybe if you got the opportunities that I ask for, or if you had the fight that I do you would have been a better person, or you would have become the person you keep trying to make me become, but instead you were forced to confirm into a job you hate to support kids that you didn't plan on having. And I look at you and I promise myself that I won't do that, I won't do it to myself, my partner, or my kids. I owe them the best of myself (if needed all of myself) and I plan on giving that to them. Anything less would be unfair to them. And I know you put your life on hold but can you at least give me the courtesy of not hiding things from me, or hiding who you were. I'd love you either way..

But that's besides the point. I need to get better. I am not happy with who I am and I really want to change it to something better. But I think cynicism is quite hard to get rid of and I have a lot of it. But I believe in the unbelievable so maybe that will help. Also if you are reading this and I know you, help me be a better person by being one yourself. That'll help too.

"Things'll turn out the way you want, if you could just stop doubting that I love you."

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep...

Okay time for this week's ramble fest. I haven't been blogging much probably for the good of myself and mankind.How much fun is that? Hmm, now that I log in, I have no clue as to what it is I feel like talking about... I think this summer is going to be a good one. I am being more active then I have been in the past ones, so that's always good. Still trying to grow to be that well rounded adult people keep talking about, trying to keep up with the trends. *cough*I am still pretty pissed off at the economy, and I really want to live on a planet that's not Earth sometimes, cause it pretty Fucked up right now as if you couldn't tell. So I guess the only thing to do is to stage a world wide sleep in and see if I can accomplish things that John and Oko could only dream of. Sounds like a plan to me. If anybody reads this, I promise this is not the usual quality of writing and mind farts that are regularly spouted here. It's just uber early in the morning and I can't go to sleep. So as a precaution to all out there, make sure that your siestas don't last longer than an hour or else you'll be unable to sleep at night and start the vicious cycle of nocturnal life. Have a good time and I'll see you later.

But she cries to the clicking of time..

Yeah I wasn't really trying hard with the lifting of the lyrics of yet another Jeff Buckley Title.(Grace) But I've recently gotten into a tiff with my dear ole mummy and I felt the need to shout it from the wires of the Internet from one synapse to another. But my mommy is very reserved and sometimes closed minded about many things and somehow she managed to birth a kid who believes in reincarnation, and many eastern religious. Seriously What the fuck is up. I mean I could chuck it up to the whole parents just don't understand syndrome of adolescence but if only it was so simple. My mom really doesn't get what I think. She constantly talks about how she's worried that I'll get drugged or raped , and all the things she sees on TV and yet she claims to have a faith that is unbreakable. I don't claim any faith, and I believe that things, good and bad will happen to whether you want them to or not, and also that karma is a bitch.Really. Sure I drink behind people fully aware of the fact that people like to spike drinks. O-fucking-kay. And I know that you've heard horror stories. Okay that's freaking awesome, but can you at least give me room to trip? I mean I know you think that just because you let me do things that you didn't let My bro do, or that you weren't allowed to do that you are giving me more freedom than ever. But have you not noticed the kind of person I am. I thrive off of this stuff. I get that you are scared, hell yeah I 'm scared too, but jeez your "love" is cutting of my oxygen supply. I hate being the kid that always can't go. Seriously is gets annoying. And yeah sure I agree sometimes the things I ask are overzealous. And in hind sight I am glad that you say no. But I am trying to learn how to be a fully functioning adult. Okay. It may seem that I am trying to grow up too fast, but I just feel like I am running out of time for everything. And once you've seen the people that you thought were going to live forever die, you kinda wanna do everything you can so that you can feel like you done all that you've wanted with no regrets, whether it be smoke a joint or read the 5,000 page analysis of Quasar theories. I just wanted to do it all, and see everything before my time is up. I know that some people think that kids do reckless stuff because they think that they are invincible, but I don't think it's true, I think kids get so fucked up because they are worried that it's going to be over fast. And with the way the world is burning in it's own fiery pits, it looks like a greater possibility.

And now onto more crackpot rambles...
I mean I just think that I've been here before and that I choose to do things for a reason. That I am very free spirit whose trying to get it right this time around, or maybe recapture the things that I may have lost in my many journeys. I'm not saying you've got to believe this shit I'm pouring out, It's just that maybe there more to it than just trying to survive the world, or trying to get the money, the wife, the kids. Maybe it's about being a part of the world. Doing everything even if it contradicts with what you believe, because thought isn't set in stone and what you think isn't the ultimate truth is there is one. So what's wrong with believing in a little bit of all of it?I hope there was some kinda meaning in that, but I just felt the need to explode in word from. I hope my brain vomit was nutritious. Have a great day out there peoples.