Nice to always rediscover how you got here. Kinda. Jeez I wish the process of constant transformation would let me know when it is I am going to become the nice, kind-hearted person I want to be. I am so judgemental, I mean I usually try to stand up when injustices like people being judged unfairly are happening, but it seems to me know that I am committing the injustices. I really want this part of me to begone. If I could perform surgery on myself I'd remove most of things I am insecure about (belly,nose, hair even) and the spitefulness(use of stereotypes, calling people names in my head never out loud cause the meanest people aren't brave enough to say the shit they think about people out loud.) And be left with the perfect Hope who is ready to go out there and make a change, cause the state I'm in is not really doing anybody any good, I mean admittedly I'd like to think that I give off a good vibe when I am around people, but there are moments when I say things that are incorrect and I feel stupid after they leave my mouth, but there's no takies-backs. And it just seems to me that the people around me never say anything wrong, especially the older ones. But I guess then again it's a matter of exposure, because I notice the problems with everything that the older people in my family say, but when it comes to some people that I know outside of my house, it seems as though they could do no wrong, but I suppose if I really did know them I would notice their flaws too. But it doesn't help when your family constantly points out your flaws; you know you are ALWAYS talking back (well that's cause you are wrong sometimes and you don't listen to me ) You know you are ALWAYS judging people (and you don't? it's probably something I inherited from you) You are ALWAYS trying to get out, and away from me you MUST be ashamed of us ( nope I got over that a long time ago, I am ashamed of myself, I get tired of not be able to appreciate my family, and sometimes I just want some time with people who are not you, or even time with myself to just try to figure out what the hell I am getting myself into, and the direction I want to ultimately go, but I can't do that unless you stop freaking holding my hand. Maybe if you got the opportunities that I ask for, or if you had the fight that I do you would have been a better person, or you would have become the person you keep trying to make me become, but instead you were forced to confirm into a job you hate to support kids that you didn't plan on having. And I look at you and I promise myself that I won't do that, I won't do it to myself, my partner, or my kids. I owe them the best of myself (if needed all of myself) and I plan on giving that to them. Anything less would be unfair to them. And I know you put your life on hold but can you at least give me the courtesy of not hiding things from me, or hiding who you were. I'd love you either way..
But that's besides the point. I need to get better. I am not happy with who I am and I really want to change it to something better. But I think cynicism is quite hard to get rid of and I have a lot of it. But I believe in the unbelievable so maybe that will help. Also if you are reading this and I know you, help me be a better person by being one yourself. That'll help too.
"Things'll turn out the way you want, if you could just stop doubting that I love you."
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