Lua Cheia

It's Portuguese for the one thing that makes me happy at any time of life be it good or bad( I mean whether the time be good or bad.).You are gonna have to read to the end of this blog to figure out what it is.

I have met a person that..It's hard to explain I guess, mainly because I don't even know. But since I have met this person things have gotten better, or at least creatively better. I guess you could say that they are my muse. Maybe, it could just be coincidence. But I am finishing projects that would normally take me a year, and My mind is less cluttered.( I am still not doing homework though, personal choice.) It may not be solely because of this person, but it is partially. I haven't met anybody like this in while. Especially one who is like a mix of my friends and myself. Never. I have only encountered people of this kind (I am trying not to be gender specific) that are my polar opposites and don't understand most of what I am saying. They remind me of myself, but more so the person I strive to be. Their vibe is really good and when I talk to them they listen (I think I could stand to listen more) But they are very open minded. and sure my friends are open minded, but not in this way. (or at least not that I know of) It's hard to say. I am at a loss of words. I doubt I have this effect on them but they have it on me. Even though we are similar people we still have our differences and some of those differences intimidate me a little, but I think it will be okay.Most of the intimidation comes from me being afraid of something different, so once I get over my paranoia things will look up. Not that they aren't. This person has the potential to be a good something (I don't know what they are yet) But whatever it is I think it will be good for me. I hope.

So now the answer. Cheia Lua or Lua Cheia(I don't know which way it goes) means full moon. Since I was little I guess I have had an urge to go outside. I would walk barefoot outside and I would play al ot. It was a happy time. And as I got older I stop walking barefoot and going outside. But during the past weeks (and over the summer) I have played in the cold, carefree. I have played in the rain. I have loved life. But there was one thing that I recently starting doing that I hadn't done until I had to for a project in 5th grade. I looked up. At night. in fifth grade I had to look at the moon phases, and I did that for about a semester, and ever since then I have looked up. And every time I see a full moon I feel something. I don't know what it is but just the color of the moon and the weather( I like looking at the moon during winter), makes me feel better than I did before. So yeah, that's the only thing that can make me happy no matter what. If you count out music. so yay

Lyrics I love: "lost and loaded
still the same 'ol decent lazy eye
straight through your gaze
that's why i said i relate
i said we relate
it's so fun to relate
it's the room the sun and the sky
it's the room the sun and the sky
i've been waiting
i've been waiting for this moment...

Remember: It is always worth the wait.

When I lived alone, Is there a ghost in my house?

My new obsession is that song. Maybe because it repeats the same thing over and over again, or maybe because the video involves a girl taking pillows from people and a massive pillow fight. Nevertheless it makes me happy and calm. So question. Is it so wrong to become obsessive?I don't mean to the point you can't live without whatever it may be, just till the point that you feel comfortable. Is it wrong to reread a message five times, just because it makes you smile, or listen to a song three times cause it does the same? Or do both of those things together, because they make you dance? I think not. I have done both of those things today and I feel great.(asides from the fact that I took time away from homework to do those things....you know what screw homework) So yep that's right you heard hear first folks. I am happy. I also spent three hours making a skirt and a vest. Awesomeness. Theadbangers has changed my life. Now all I need is spray paint. I would type more, but it's kinda early in the morning and I got to get ready for school. Today should be a good one. Especially since it's cold outside. This could be the year...fingers crossed...tongue-tied. So whoot. I feel like talking Spanish. *Happy dances for everyone* Remember..Everything is Everything.(that's stolen from Phoenix)Whoo!

So get used to the lonesome,Girl you must atone some, Don't leave me no phone number there...

Ahh I love the shins. So I am back. After a week and a half of procrastination, malnutrition, performance anxiety and playing in the rain. I am back. Finally. Still sleepy but I am back. Nobody reads this I know but man is it fun to write as if people actually did. I don't really have anything to say. No complaints, except I haven't done my homework in a week. But I think I can pull a B off at the end of the term. In the world of theatre I feel awesomely accomplished. I am the only girl who is willing to get dirty and doesn't it feel good? Yes, I am a nerd and damn proud. I have to say This is the first time I have taken a week off from school while school is still in session.I think everybody should do it at least once. It helps keep you from getting stressed out and insane. I guess I will use this weekend to do work and get ahead so I can coast through the upcoming week. I am so glad it's almost November. Maybe it's the change of weather that's making me happy. Nothing goes wrong for me in the fall. I love the cold air and the clear skies at night. They make me feel alive. I breathe in the cold and and I shiver and it lets me know that my central air unit is nothing compared to a natural chill. Man tries but he never gets it quite right. Did I mention I was a romantic. I mean in the actual 18th period sense. I love those guys. Ralph Waldo Emerson gets mad props for writing Self Assurance (I know it goes by another name, I can't think of it right now) Well I think that's it. It's way past my bedtime, and I need to be able to ward off sickness for at least another five days, I am off to sleep.

Remember..."Mercy's eyes are blue when she places them in front of you, nothing holds a roman candle to the solemn warmth you feel.There's no measuring of it as nothing else is love."

All I need

I am trying so hard. but things aren't really working out. I mean Life is good and all and I am probably the happiest that I have ever been in my life (well as far as I can remember) But still I find that something is missing. I hate that though. Why can't I be happy with what I have. It might not be everything but it's all I need. I feel like I am aimlessly wondering. Maybe I am so distraught because of that play thing ( jeez I annoy myself with my "actor problems") But it's like thinking about this character and how I should portray her has added water to the soft set concrete. I feel it churning, It's kinda slow moving but it's doing more than it did before. And even though part of me is confused by it. Another part doesn't want it to go away. I think it's because I tried so hard to push my ability to feel away, and now that I have finally decided to bring it close to me it won't let me go.(I don't want to either) It's not the depressing type of feeling either. It's like I should have cried about or felt this this years ago. And just crying once or twice isn't going to help me cope. I should have cried over this every night, when I felt it. but I didn't I balled it up and threw it in a box and locked it in my closet. I talked about it once and moved on and thought that I didn't need to talk about it anymore, that it was better than it was before. True, it was better than it was before, but I wasn't healed. I just put a band aid on it. And sometime this week I bumped into something really hard and it made it bleed again, but this time I think I am going to let is air dry so that everyone can see. I know I am still gonna have struggles with it but I know I can handle it.

Even if you are so preoccupied with the things in your life you now find important, still find time for the good things you used to do when you were little, No matter how silly they seem. Find time for it, because it helps you realize the person that you always wanted to be.Play like there is no time left, Laugh like there is no tomorrow. Love like you were dying.

The Devil and God are raging inside of Me

Lately I have been at a loss of words. I have been trying so hard to get my feelings or opinions across but they never fully get fully across. On a random note I picked the titled of this blog because Lately I have been listening to In rainbows and this song was the one that popped out at me. It struck a chord and now I just love it to death, this song along with Nude and Faust Arp. I love it. But I think music although it helps me to come to terms and understand what I am feeling it doesn't help me let other people understand my feelings. Because people interpret things different, I can't tell a person to go listen to this song to get the gist of what I am feeling. Usually me not being able to get my emotions across wouldn't bother me too much. But I am in a play where I have to emotionally break down, and I don't know how to do it and make it genuine. I ask people for advice and while talking to them I keep coming to the same realization, but there is a wall and I can't break it down. I know the pain she feels, and I know how that pain can change you as a person, because I have felt it before. But I don't know how to channel it out of myself and into her. I don't know how to make it exaggerated but not overdone or fake. And that fear is preventing me from giving all of myself to the character. And to make things worse my character has to go from a loving mother to a cold broken woman, to an irrational woman with a rational wish, back to a completely shattered woman. How do I accomplish that? I can feel the pain in my heart every time I think about it, but I can't get it out. It's too ugly. Maybe once I get over that aspect I could knock the ball out of the park. But Until then Love like you were dying. And never once regret the pain you have felt. It happened for a reason. Learn from the hurt and live life again. It's possible I know.

I know in these past blogs I have talked a lot about pain and stuff, and I myself am getting tried of it. But you have to understand that I have been holding a lot of this inside and I have decided to let it slowly drip out so I get it in the open.

I'm Happy just because, I found I am really noone

Why hello there, I guess as long as I can handle it I will blog everyday for the rest of this week. Ahh well. Once again I have found that life really knows how to take a chunk out of your ass. I don't really know how else to put it. My last blog was about feelings, and this relates to that in a completely arbitrary way.

Crushes anyone? Why do we get them, I just don't understand them. I mean the have the capability to just make you feel absolutely horrible about yourself. And I don't appreciate that. Maybe I am just like Joel from Eternal Sunshine "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" I don't know Joel I just don't know. I wish there was a way to explain it. But it's like you see this person and at that time you think they embody everything you want (or rather think you want) and you are hopelessly in love with them. But you don't act on it because you are scared of what might be the reality. Dammit it fear, why must you ruin other peoples lives?!! I don't like feeling like some nerdy little 13 year old girl in love with her math teacher. (Although...) back to the idea. My thoughts are so jumbled right now, I am so confused and so disgusted at myself don't even know. Is this how Ben Gibbard felt when he wrote Title and Registration? Because I am listening to it right now, and its underlying "what about me/left here in the dust" feeling is fitting the mood of my subconscious. Let me pick out the lyrics that do a better job of explaining myself than I do. Mind you they will be in sentence form so yeah.

The glove compartment isn't accurately named and everybody knows it.So i'm proposing a swift orderly change,cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm.And all i find are souvenirs from better times. Before the gleam of your taillights fading east to find yourself a better life.*sigh*

When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget,and that's how this idea was drilled into my head.Cause it's too important to stay the way it's been.There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade.And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all.And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide,lying awake at night.


And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide.Lying awake at night (up all night)When i'm lying awake at night.[sadness:(].

Wow Ben had some hard times. Okay I realize that this song is more or less about a relationship that failed, but isn't that about the same as unrequited love? I think the latter has the potential to be worse.*big breath* I am really trying hard not to let this crush(may even be crushes, [man I fall hard]) get the best of me, but somehow my brain never lets me. I need to draw or paint, something to get this spiral of confusion out of my head, maybe I should start working on that pile of clothes in the middle of my floor, or maybe AP homework (probably not going to happen)

on a footnote, I need to get rid of my addiction to facebook, I don't really understand why I stay on it so much, I have deleted it like seven times, but I keep coming back when I am bored, and all it's doing is adding fuel to the confusion fire. Really I am getting sick of it. I need to develop an awesome schedule so I am left with just enough time to get out of the house so I won't end up staying on the computer till 3 am. Bad habit nobody should develop. Alright my time is up. Be safe and remember love like you were dying.(but in my cause maybe I need to use discretion)

I'm counting it out, I'm counting it out, I'm working it out inside

I love life. I love how everything can completely confuse you and then when you aren't paying attention, it clicks and you understand everything you didn't get before for no reason. I love how people you meet for only a second can potentially have the biggest impact on your life. But what I love most of all is music. It's gotten me through hard times, rebuilt my spirit and made it better.

okay here's the random part, I don't like being confused, or hateful. I don't like having feelings and not being able to share them because of fear. I don't like having feelings and not knowing what they could mean. Now don't get me wrong feelings are all fine and dandy but boy do they make some things just a little harder to comprehend. I will get the whole feeling thing down eventually... I hope. But until then I think I am going to try to be a little more open. I know I am extroverted, but boy do I know how to keep things inside and make myself feel miserable.(and boy do I know how to say "boy do I know how") I am off to work on that awesome pile of dishes in the sink, while trying to keep all the little nasty human thoughts for corroding my mind. But in the meantime, Love like you were dying.

Oh and in case you were wondering, yes that is my new sign off. Okay if you don't like it you can go get loved.

Hope is gone....She is trying to find herself.

Okay not really, but I guess I really am trying to answer all of the "why/how/when" questions in life(well of my life) right now. I know that it's a little early for that, but I guess honestly every experience is a little early. Then I guess it wouldn't be called an experience (I hope that made sense in some way) Not really the why am I here? stuff but more like the how did I get here, not so much in a "how the universe came to be" way but my journey from generation to generation. What did my ancestors like? What did they do? I guess the questions is really more like "why am I the way I am?"

I feel a weird connection to a lot of races, and I just can't explain it. It's like I've been apart of these (the other culture's)ritual for years. And it's odd. I love Asian culture (not just the food aspect) but the whole thing, the clothing, the music, the technology. And I love the language and music of Latin American culture. I love African culture, the language, the togetherness (of most people). I love the connection that the Native Americans have with planet. I love it all. I know that they are all connected and that they influenced each other. But I just feel apart of it all. I want to submerse myself in it. Go everywhere I can and breathe the air of people of different cultures and backgrounds. Sure I can do that here in America but I want to experience it on a global level. I feel disconnected from a lot of things. So when I do something as simple as learning Spanish or save a bug, I some how feel closer to where I want to be. I know this is rambling, but if you haven't noticed already my alias is Rambler of the Mind. It happens. You get a whim to write and you let whatever you are feeling at the time or whatever pops into your head come out. Aw well, I think I am off to see if I can't figure out a way of meditating that I like and that is convenient. We'll see how that goes until then, love like you were dying.

on another tip, Jeff Buckley's Mojo Pin is the shiz, oh yeah Mew is hella awesome (I don't usually say hella but it was floating in my head)

I made alot of mistakes in my mind, in my mind, When I make up my mind I change it all the time I take it back, I take it back........Nevermind

Yay me for being able to able to reference three songs in one blog title (kinda)

I say that word too much. Nevermind I mean. I talk too fast my words get jumbled and when someone asks me what did I say or gives me a confused look I say nevermind. I shouldn't. why should I take back something I said. Right now saying Nevermind is a compulsive behaviour and I want to stop saying it, so for the next couple of days I am going to try to convey a clear thought without looking at the ground, apologising, or saying NEVERMIND. I need to get rid of my nervous habits. Of course they make me who I am, but they are hindering what I want to be. They are handicapping me and it's time I let them go. I don't have much time left, and I don't want to spend the rest of it saying I'm sorry or looking at the floor so damn much. Of course my shoes are pretty and I don't want my gi- normous feet to kill a tiny bug, but really for a person who has begun to actually love herself and the world a little better she sure doesn't act like it. I would like to diagnose myself with *insert compulsive/depressive/obsessive disorder here* but I can't. And I don't think anybody else should, but a part of me wants to figure out why are things getting harder for me. They are clearer than last year for sure, but for some reason they aren't as easy as to say or to commit to as they used to be. I don't get it. I feel better internally but simultaneously I can't seem to defeat all the demons inside. I guess I have a different types of demons and I only beat half of them last year. I beat the depressive, self destructive demons, but now I can't seem to kill the demons of jealously and hatred. And it saddens me to know I can think such bad thoughts about people. I try my best to suppress them but it just makes me feel fake and hollow.( mainly from smiling in the faces of the people that I feel these feelings towards, but rest assured I don't wanna kill anybody) Jeez I hate this whole being human thing. I mean it has it perks, like being on the top of the food chain and all but it make things so much more complicated. I need to stop writing now it's to late to prod myself into epiphany, maybe tomorrow. But remember love like you were dying.

oh yeah and listen to Jeff Buckley. It a shame the good ones die so young. He was beautiful.

I don't feel alright, in spite of these comforting sounds you make

I'm still frustrated from last night, I wait but I'm too tired to play pretend

Last night was one of the rare nights I actually got sleep, I feel better, something weird happened but before I must tell you some background information. I am a person who loves to be loved and I have a lack of male love in my life (not necessarily boy friend , although that would compensate for the lack of the other love, but anyways, I lack fatherly love, that close kind of love ) So the deal is I would go to sleep and be walked into the wonderful fantasy world where I had a boyfriend or a husband but he would always disappear at the end of the dream or it wouldn't really be clear enough for me to understand it and all I would be left is a feeling or a vague remembrance of what happened. Sad I know right but tonight I remember the whole dream, it was corny but it made me smile when I woke up so. I think I had it while the rest of my body was waking up so I don't remember how I got in a hotel but I was in one. I think it was like a group trip, and I was walking around and some talent scout approached me and gave me a flyer to an event they where having there that night to cast new talent. So I went and I find that it's like some weird reality TV show thing and they are making these kids make asses of themselves. So the show goes on break and I step outside and I see this beat up car and I look at it and then I go back inside and finish watching the show.So after about forty minutes of watching kids slide down escalators saying their lines trying to be funny, I go back out thinking about how I wish somebody could be here, but at this time I see the car from night rider, and I ask it who does it belong too and it tells me hova (Jay-z of course) and then I'm like okay. So the car decides to drive off and I'm chasing it but then I realize there's people behind me (I guess I was more interesting than the show)and so we're running and little do I know the guy I missed is behind me. I can't remember where I saw it but it was a guy on something that would like do anything to profess his love I think it was Good luck chuck(which sucked but that besides the point) So I 'm running and I don't even notice I ran through the night, why am I still chasing this car, no clue but I get subsided by a Marching Band. Umm really I have no clue why no one one told me not to run that way but it's a dream so I guess people don't have any sense of direction. So I have to stop and then I look beside me and there's this dude and he hands me a flip/notebook, and he tells me to look at something but I can't find it because he has drawn so many flip book stories. So I hand it to him and after flipping through his rendition of that "take me on" video he finds it and hands it to me. and it's a picture of me with a chunk missing out of my chest ( I know that sounds gory but really it doesn't look like that) and then he says something about how my heart is missing its key and that he is the key and that the only way to unlock my heart is to let him in (something like that, seems corny but at the time it had all the romanticism of a decent kiddie Cinderella-esque movie) so I kiss him and then my dream ended. So I guess that was the first time I every actually saw one of those dreams through. I don't know what it means yet, but I have a whole live to life, so I am thinking something will happen along these lines eventually. That's all for right now. I am currently going on an indie rock binge so I have some bands to check out and listen to. Hasta luega
Remember, Love like you were dying.