I made alot of mistakes in my mind, in my mind, When I make up my mind I change it all the time I take it back, I take it back........Nevermind

Yay me for being able to able to reference three songs in one blog title (kinda)

I say that word too much. Nevermind I mean. I talk too fast my words get jumbled and when someone asks me what did I say or gives me a confused look I say nevermind. I shouldn't. why should I take back something I said. Right now saying Nevermind is a compulsive behaviour and I want to stop saying it, so for the next couple of days I am going to try to convey a clear thought without looking at the ground, apologising, or saying NEVERMIND. I need to get rid of my nervous habits. Of course they make me who I am, but they are hindering what I want to be. They are handicapping me and it's time I let them go. I don't have much time left, and I don't want to spend the rest of it saying I'm sorry or looking at the floor so damn much. Of course my shoes are pretty and I don't want my gi- normous feet to kill a tiny bug, but really for a person who has begun to actually love herself and the world a little better she sure doesn't act like it. I would like to diagnose myself with *insert compulsive/depressive/obsessive disorder here* but I can't. And I don't think anybody else should, but a part of me wants to figure out why are things getting harder for me. They are clearer than last year for sure, but for some reason they aren't as easy as to say or to commit to as they used to be. I don't get it. I feel better internally but simultaneously I can't seem to defeat all the demons inside. I guess I have a different types of demons and I only beat half of them last year. I beat the depressive, self destructive demons, but now I can't seem to kill the demons of jealously and hatred. And it saddens me to know I can think such bad thoughts about people. I try my best to suppress them but it just makes me feel fake and hollow.( mainly from smiling in the faces of the people that I feel these feelings towards, but rest assured I don't wanna kill anybody) Jeez I hate this whole being human thing. I mean it has it perks, like being on the top of the food chain and all but it make things so much more complicated. I need to stop writing now it's to late to prod myself into epiphany, maybe tomorrow. But remember love like you were dying.

oh yeah and listen to Jeff Buckley. It a shame the good ones die so young. He was beautiful.