I would rather feel fine

Thoughts at 3AM: I don't want to know myself anymore, I don't want to make sense. I want to be completely unrecognizable. Cut my hair, lose the weight, get pierced and I don't know why. I keep trying to lose myself in oblivion but my mind won't let me, constantly pulling me back into the way I was taught. Be safe, be nice, be good. I want to stop feeling bad for getting it wrong. Conscience dissolved and the freedom of errors left behind. But my heart aches at the thought of fucking up at someone else's expense. They say I'm only hurting myself but tell that to my grandma. I yearn to feel normal. Apart of the others, and I have good days, but the darkness comes creeping creating a fog in my brain. What would happened if I gave in, and got lost?